I have known the word equanimity long before I join in the Upkesa Village. I only used it during my sitting meditation and not my daily life until the 4th of June 2010. On that day I went for a colonoscopy because I found blood in my faeces. You may ask how on earth I look into my own faeces. This has to thank to Sophia. At year 8, she did a study of the human faeces to determine their health life style. In that study we need to look at our faeces to determine the colour, the shape, the smell and the texture to answer the survey. I have maintained this exercise until today. That was why I saw blood in my faeces.
On that day, my specialist told me I had bowel cancer. I remembered when my father had kidney cancer 10 years ago, I was in denial stage. I was shock and couldn’t hear a single word from the doctor but today, my mind was clear. I asked what action I could take for this. He asked whether I want to discuss this with my own GP. I said no need if this is the case. He sent me to have a CT scan, blood test, and visit my surgeon. I told my husband Cuong about the news when he came to pick me up from the colonoscopy. He cried. I said to him: “That’s ok. No need to feel sad. I am ok.” I went to have my eye operated on the same day then I went for my CT scan and waited for the result. I couldn’t wait until next Tuesday to see the result so I secretly opened the CT scan and read about it. The report was very good. They couldn’t even find my bowel cancel in the scan. This meant it must be at a very early stage. This was my assumption.
I knew nothing about this Dr Paul Leong. I visited Dr Le Cong on the 5th of June. Told him about my sickness and asked about this Dr Leong. Dr Le Cong assured me Dr Leong is a good surgeon. I should have no fear to be under his capable hands.
I went to see my surgeon on the 8th of June. He told me I have 3 options. Option 1: He would cut me up and join; Option 2: he would cut, join and have a temporary bag for my faeces and option 3 was he would cut, join and have a permanent bag for life. He said he couldn’t tell me which option because he needs to cut me up before he makes the decision. He also said he doesn’t know how advance my cancer is. Cuong cried when he heard I might carry a bag for life. I joked with them that my operation is similar to the BP oil pipe at Mexico – cut and cap. I laughed and said to have a bag is better than I say goodbye, yes? Cuong agreed. I did not tell my children about these 3 options because I did not want to scare them.
I went to see Thay on the 12th of June. I told him about my disease. I told him my big fat liar to my parents about I would be away for 3 weeks. I gave Thay my last words for my parents, children and Cuong to keep if I am leaving this world. Thay ensured me I would be fine. I was not so sure but I have to prepare for the worse so when the time come, I have no worry for whatsoever. I made my will, I appointed my power of attorney and guardianship. The talk with Thay made me more confident on what I am dealing with. Thay has awakened me on three things during his talk. I have no hold back when it comes to facing death. It’s only one thing about my parents. I often feel it’s a sin that I couldn’t serve my parents till the end. Thay told me to let go of this and make a vow. I vow to help all beings to remove their suffering and enter the ultimate joy of nirvana. Thay asked me do I have a vow. Yes, I do since young till now. I vow to become Avalokitesvara’s helper. I admire her. She is my role model. She guides me lot of times in my life.
My second awakening was my ego. I told Thay I love challenge. I love my work. I love people give me challenge. I also see this cancer is a challenge. Thay said: “You love challenge but your body can not take up all these stress.” I replay what Thay said again and again in my mind. Yes, every time I received a challenge, this means stress as well. Each time I solved a challenge, which means many nights I could not sleep and think about a solution for my challenge. Why I like challenge? It’s something to do with my ego/personality. To me nothing is impossible. In my previous 2 years, 3 people (Web developer, Web master and Network Administrator) left my work and I was the one who took on all their tasks plus my own. I thought my shoulders were broad enough to bear all these stress. Now I am working for TAFE and found a happy working life there but challenges are still exist through my life. I reviewed all these and found my ego is bigger than I can carry. What to do with my ego? I don’t know. I have been like this since young till now. It’s a habit that is hard to break. I will figure it out when my ego comes to play next time.
My third awakening was on form. I was worry for my father who has not taking refuge in Triple Gems. Thay has pointed out that we never know what a person can have with them. About my father, he is a kind person. He did many charities work in his life. When I was young, he took us to many temples, orphanages and nursing homes to do charities. He is never stingy on his money. I saw many times in my life that he gave all the money in his wallet to someone needed without questions. Although he likes to live in the past because he was proud what he has done through his life. That is nothing wrong with that. I was too into Triple Gems and could not see what he has within him. From now on I would not push for this to happen.
At the minute I knew about my cancer, I’ve told myself equanimity. I needed to face it, accept it and deal with it. I could not be afraid and worry. First thing came to my mind was my old parents. I didn’t want them to worry. I told Cuong I don’t want to tell my family other than my children. I told them the same day. Sophia could take on well. Nicholas cried. I said to them yes, cry, cry out loud and that is it. We could not cry to solve this. We need to have a calm mind to deal with this. I could not make the situation worse. I needed to be equanimity. Whenever I thought about my parents, I looked at them with equanimity; whenever I thought about my children, I looked at them with equanimity; whenever I thought about my cancer, I looked at it with equanimity. I used my equanimity at work, at night time, driving my car, taking them to school, talking to my boss and meditation. I have tried hard not let my mind bother with worry and uncertainties. I think I have done it because I did not have one single nightmare about my disease. I slept through every single night without a dream unlike Cuong. He turned and turned during the night thinking he is going to lose me since we didn’t know how advance my cancer was.
I started my own vipassana (Insight meditation) retreat on the day I admitted to the hospital. I was mindful to all the things I do. I watched myself closely. On the night before my operation, my surgeon came. He asked: “Do you have any questions?” I said no. He asked: “Ready for tomorrow’s op?” I said yes.
Next day at around 2:30pm I was waiting for my turn to be on the operation table. Dr Leong came. He asked: “Do you have any questions?” I asked him: “What sort of questions do you expect me to ask?” he said most of people at this stage would have lot of questions. I said no. At 3pm. I was on the operation table. He asked me once more do I have any questions. I smiled and ignored him. What does he expect me to ask, I wonder? I wished him shut up and carry on what he needs to do with me.
At around 6pm I heard his voice. He said “No bag for you.” I looked at him but not focus at all. I felt pain. A nurse asked me to press the morphine button which I did. I told myself equanimity. I recited this word in my mind louder than ever. Most of the time it worked but occasionally it did not. Pain was pain and no doubt it was pain. My equanimity failed me. Why? This was because my practice was not strong enough. I only applied this equanimity about 3 weeks in my life. Thay warned me when pain comes; it is most difficult to be equanimity. True, very true indeed. My tummy was like a burning hot iron. The pain was inside and outside. It ate into me. My body was shaking with pain which I had no control. I watched it, part by part. I felt my body sweated after a great pain attack. I hated it when I need to cough or sneeze. You would not know how many tummy muscles we have used for a cough. My cut is right under my belly button downward. It was a nightmare to have a cough during the night. I was mindful nearly on every moment. I was mindful when I go to toilet; I was mindful when I ate; I was mindful when I walk; I was mindful when I had a shower; I was mindful when I speak; I was mindful even on my breathing. Before this operation, I would not watch my internal organs but now I could. I watched a gust of wind from my stomach traveled inch by inch down. I felt my intestine rolling. I felt my big intestine push and contract. Every time it did this, my tummy felt like a piece of hot iron and I sweat like mad.
They removed my morphine on day three. They said I did not need it at all. It was not quite. I had severe pain during the night which they did not know about.
Thay came on day four and coached me again on how to see things around me. I felt good when I saw Thay. He gave me another boot of confident. He asked me to watch my pain as my friend. This body is my friend and my friend is in pain. I watch my friend with loving kindness and compassion. This helped to ease my pain when it attacked me during the night.
This morning my result came and found my cancer was at a very early stage. I rang my mum and told her I lie to her. She cried on the phone. I said I could bounce out of the bed and walk why cry? I am still alive. Yen Khanh, my sister got angry with me because she is the closest sister and closest Dharma friend who walk on the same path since 2000 and knew nothing about my operation. I explained to her and asked for forgiveness. I told them if this is my final stage, I would let everybody know, have a party and say goodbye. I truly did not want my mum to have heart attack before my operation. In that case, I could not have an equanimity mind. My second sister Yen Phuong said I did the right thing. I am glad that she understood. It was hard to keep it as a secret.
My eldest brother came and I had a long talk about chanting sutra and our fortune. He thinks I go to temple and chanting sutra, I should have the best fortune on the world, not to contract with sickness. I gave him a talk on our body and the first noble truth. I gave similar talk to my second brother and his daughter. My niece Janet said: “You are too young, you should not die early.” I laughed and said: “This can happen to anyone regardless with our age beside I am not young.” I was glad they came and I could talk about it. I gave my parents many, many talks about our body and the first noble truth. I hope they can accept the concept and have a peace of mind when things rock up in their way. I told my mum that I knew she loves me dearly but if I need to go before her, she needs to let me go because we have no control of this thing. She cried and nodded. I told Yen Khanh that I was in the Earth hell. People cut me up and took out my intestine (17 cms). It was just like in the Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva Sutra but I was the most fortunate one. Why? I had morphine and Dharma to help me through. I felt so sorry for all the beings in Hell who go through this without any pain killer.
I am so thankful that I have met many kind and supportive people around me, especially people from Thien Trang Hy Xa. When My Hanh and My Lieu presented the card and gifts from the youth group, I felt warm and being loved. They said the whole group wanted to visit me. I was moved but couldn’t imagine how they travel to the city if they all came. Dao’s family came and very supportive. Gosh I don’t know how to repay their kindness.
Now I have reborn, I need to set up my priority right. I need to strengthen my equanimity, not only during my sitting meditation but use in my daily life. Like Thay said make no mistake at the end. I need to watch my speech, thought and action that I would not harm anyone including myself. I need to be more involved into my spiritual path but I don’t know how. I need to tell people around me that I love them. Life is too short and we need to make the most out from it. I am glad I have a second chance.
18/07/2010
