Wednesday, November 6, 2013

My mother


My mother is an ordinary woman yet she has done so many amazing things in her life. Her parents left her only a few days after she was born in 1926. My grandparents had eloped and had run away from their family and country due to their parents’ disapproval. In a small village in South Vietnam they settled in and gave birth to a little girl – Mui. Mui means little sister. However after Mui’s birth my grandparents received the unexpected news that they had been accepted by their parents. They were then summoned back to China to get married. Yet, they were so ashamed of Mui that they decided to leave her in an orphanage in Vietnam. When my grandparents’ neighbor heard that Mui was to be given away they came and asked for the baby. Mui grew up with much love and care in the arms of her adopted parents. According to my adopted grandmother, Mui’s biological mother did come back looking for her when she was two but she was determined not to let Mui go.

When Mui was 16 years old she was married off in an arranged marriage by her parents. She had never met my father before but all girls in the village had said that he was a handsome man. Looking back at past photos my father was unbelievably good looking in his early twenties. You could not even compare his looks to the movie stars at the time. However at the time there was also a young man who was head-over-heels crazy for my mother but her parents had disapproved. He was from a rich family and therefore did not match my mother’s poor social status. I can vaguely remember this man as he came to visit us from time to time just to say hello to my mother.

My mother lived with her mother-in-law for 17 years along with all the hardship that was brought to her. My father’s mother was not a very nice person. She would make my mother suffer similar to the old-time-stories of the evil mother-in-law. My father was a bigamous person and with my two aunties from hell; my mother tried to run away and commit suicide.

After 17 years of marriage my grandma passed away. My mother finally saw her own earnings and her status within the household. At that time she had two girls, my eldest sister Nhung and my second sister Fong, and two boys, my eldest brother Kong and second brother Sing. My father’s business was growing day to day. By the time Hing and I were born his business was one of the top thriving businesses in Vietnam.

As I mentioned in the article ‘Escape from Vietnam’, my father only invested his money in the bank and his machineries. It was so lucky that my mother had saved her money through buying gold. Without her we wouldn’t be where we are today.

As far as I remember, whenever I got home from school, I always saw my mother unlike children in Australia. Nowadays children either go to after school hours care or get picked up by their grandparents. When I came home after school I would embrace her and sneakily ask her for money to buy junk food. She has never said no to me except for the time I was offered my first job in Canberra. At the time she wouldn’t let me go take the job unless I was married. She never compares her children with anyone and I am very grateful for this. There was once when I played cards on the street. She walked pass and saw me. She seized me and dragged me home. She said in a very serious voice: “Gambling is not good for you. I don’t want you to gamble.” From that minute onwards, I did not dare to gamble.

She never gave us pressure to do well in our studies. I remembered when I had to repeat grade 5. My father said: “I know going to school is hard and I can understand this. Don’t get upset and try to pass next year.” My mother said: “Yes, try hard next year.” That was it, no punishment or harsh words. When we passed our year level, my mother would pay gratitude to Buddha.

My mother has a big heart. A strong memory I have is that she often took us to orphanages, Buddhist temples, leprosy villages and nursing home to do charity. Whenever she hears people suffering, she will lend her helping hand; whenever people need her, she will be there for them. She has imprinted the importance of charity and toleration in my life. Yet to this day, I still cannot live according to this word of ‘toleration’ as I am still learning.

My mother loves her children more than herself. She helped me to look after my two children while I was working fulltime. She cooked for us most of the time until last year when she was unable to look after herself. Although she is now 86 years old and I am 50 years old. In her eyes I am still her little baby.


I am grateful to have her as my mother. Fortunately we do not have a generation gap between us. We can talk about almost anything. I am so grateful to have a mother like her. When I look into the mirror, I see her in me. I truly blessed to still have both my parents at this age. 

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Journey to my Heart


Vipassana 10-days retreat

10/12/2006-21/12/2006

The day before I started my retreat, I left all my contact details with my two kids and told them: "Only contact me when and if there is an emergency." My 12-years-old son asked: "Should I contact you when Donut (our family dog) die?" "No!" I said. He then asked: "Should someone contact you if I pass away?" "No son, it has no point because you have already dead by the time I come back." I said. "Oh, then there isn't any emergency, is there?" He then asked. "No, not really!" I replied. I was determining this time but when I think about the way I had to drive there ~ more than 80 kms away from where I live ~ I was afraid. I never drive there alone by myself but this time, I had to. I was nervous all the way but determine to do so. Beside to the things I mentioned above, inside my mind I had doubts. I doubted I couldn't wake up that early in the morning; I doubted I couldn't sit for that long; I doubt others couldn't keep their own silent but one thing though Vipassana is so attractive to me. I couldn't resist not going.

On Sunday the 10th of December, I was fully packed and ready to go by 9am but the course instruction said I have to be there between 4:30pm and 6pm. I prepared a lunch feast for my family. I left my house at 2pm. I didn’t want to leave that early but my brother-in-law Meng meng was playing up. He started to talk nonsense about my retreat. I quickly said goodbye to my kids and husband. He was in the toilet and didn't want to see me at all. So I left the house and was relief. I drove myself there with great care and let all the cars passed me. I was there at around 3:45pm. I saw people started setting up for the retreat and I was in my car feeling ~ this is it! Here I come. I got myself registered and got allocated a bed ~ ‘House-6’ bed number 7. I got to ‘House-6’ and saw two women organised the numbering and name tags on each bed. One woman ~ Sheela the organiser ~ told me I couldn't have bed-7 because I was a new student. She gave me a top bunk bed-4. I settled in and found myself couldn't get down from the top bunk. There were two reasons ~ one I was afraid of height and second my body weight made me difficult to get down. But I told myself: “Come on, you come here to conquer yourself and now you started complaining.” So I sat on my bunk and sooth myself down with my own fear. Then a young girl came and put all her gears blocking the ladder. Let alone my own difficulties to get down and now I had one more ~ I had to jump off from the ladder if not I then landed on her bags. I was panic and discovered there were some empty beds still available. I went to see Sheela and told her my phobia. She told me I had to ask the teacher for this. I asked: "Who is the teacher here?" She looked at me for a while and went. I said to myself: "Look, you are a trouble maker. You come here to learn how to tolerate and conquer yourself. I am quite disappointed with you." I had to laugh out loud that I was started feeling miserable.

By 6pm we all gather in the dining hall and the light dinner was serve ~ yummy pumpkin soup with toasts. After food, a man called Steve gave a talk and played a cassette tape to tell us some instructions. Then we had to separate into two groups ~ male and female. Each group had their own boundaries ~ except there was a dog which he could go to both boundaries. Each group issued a manager and our manager ~ Hanna ~ took us on and gave us a tour around. I got called aside and Sheela told me I could have the lower bunk ~bed-7. I smiled and thought wow bed-7. It was originally assigned to me and now it came back to me. I sincere thanked Sheela for this and happily moved myself to bed-7. Bed-7 was in a private room containing two bunk beds. What a little trauma I had. I was excited and delighted. I was ready for the retreat. After the tour, we got to the meditation hall and issued a seat. The teacher came. She was a middle aged woman. She looked serious but kind and slim build. Her name was Janet. She played a CD for us. There came an old man's voice which took us through taking refuge to Triple Gems, Five Precepts for the new students and Eight Precepts for the old students. I quietly took the Eight Precepts instead of Five Precepts although I was a new student to Vipassana. He then told us how we go about Anapanna meditation for tomorrow and the noble silent started. This man was Mr Goenka. After all these we went back to our bunk.

Below was our timetable for the retreat:

Course Timetable
4am Wake-up bell
4:30-6:30am Meditate in the Hall or in your room
6:30-8:00am Breakfast break
8:00-9:00am Group meditate in the Hall
9:00-11:00am Meditate in the Hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions
11:00-12:00noon Lunch break
12:00-1:00pm Rest or interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30pm Meditate in the Hall or in your room
2:30-3:30pm Group meditate in the Hall
3:30-5:00pm Meditate in the Hall or in your room
5:00-6:00pm Tea break
6:00-7:00pm Group meditate in the Hall
7:00-8:15pm Teacher's discourse in the Hall
8:15-9:00pm Group meditate in the Hall
9:00-9:30pm Question time in the Hall
9:30pm Retire to your own room.

Day 1
At 4am sharp someone rang the bell and I popped up immediately. I had a shower to wake up my body. I went to the Hall and found there were quiet a lot of people. We began with chanting followed with some instructions on how to observe on my incoming and out going breathe ~ only in a small area from the nostrils and inside of our nostrils. I was the lucky one. I could feel my breath straight away. I put all my focus on it ~ in and out; in and out then my other thoughts came. They were about all the past things and future things that were not even happen yet. I told myself: “I am an observer and my job here is just to observe, nothing else except observing my breaths.” The first hour went by then came the second. I started to feel pain on my legs. I started to notice my left face had some sort of numbness feeling but I could take it. I also had noticed I used my left nostril to breath instead of both. It was quite interesting why my left and not my right. Anyway I didn't force to breath using my right nostril because the instructions said so ~ “Just observe the natural breathe, pure breathe and it doesn't matter it's shadow, heavy, left, right or both nostrils.” We had to remember to watch it as it is from moment to moment, not as what we want it to be. I had noticed not only I used my left nostril, I noticed the air came into my left ear, hit my ear drum before it went down to my body. I could hear my own breathing was so loud.

Breakfast break had arrived after two hard hours of observing my own breath and I was delighted to find out there were some hot oatmeal, cooked sugar-plums, toasts, an array of fruit-jams, honey and some fresh fruits. I love their herbal teas. After breakfast I went to have a power nap. I was refreshed and ready for the second lot of meditation.

Lunch was good we had spaghettis with lentils sauce and salads. It was delicious. By the time I finished my lunch I was ready for another power nap.

After the 3:30pm group meditation in the hall, all new students had been sent back to our room to do further meditation. So we went but the result was horrible, why? I felt asleep in my bed. I was not sure for other people but I could hear snoring everywhere. I told myself I would never meditate in my own room. Time went pretty fast and I found myself into the Teacher's discourse. It was about Universal Dharma, taught on suffering but majority was on the Five Precepts. I enjoyed it so much. The terms and theories about Dharma matched exactly with what I have learned. I could take them all in straight away. I was delighted. I slept very well that night and felt I didn't come to the wrong place.

Day 2
First day was hard but I made it through into my second day. I had established into a routine by now. Today we observed the touch of our breath. Again I was lucky that I could feel the touch of my breath straight away. Today I felt I breathe through my right nostril and sometimes I did breathe through both of my nostrils. I was quite amaze about this technique which I could focus my mind quite quickly unlike with my counting breathe technique ~ I lose count then fall into sleep easily.

Breakfast was similar to yesterday but lunch was another wow. It was curry potatoes (sweet and normal potatoes) served with salads, India long grain rice and lentils. Dessert was some sort of muffin like cake. It was so delicious. I had my usual after lunch nap and was ready for the after lunch meditation.

The teacher called each of the new students to the front and asked each of us whether we could feel our breath. I told her yes. When I was about at 5pm I felt I was so sleepy so I stopped there and went back to my room sleep instead. I felt so guilty after this and told myself never ever again. Time is so precious and I wasted my own time. The discourse was about vipassana, sila, Samadhi and panna. Teacher Goenka never made his talk boring. It received lots of laughter from the audients. I did laughed out loud few times and realised I should behaved myself in the Hall.

Day 3
Today I was more confident than before but I started with a severe back-pain. I sat against the wall and felt relief for my back-pain. One session passed and the teacher sent our manager Hanna to tell me to sit away from the wall. She said it would be better for me to work with my pain. There were many students did what I've done but didn't get told off. I was grateful that the assistance teacher asked me because by this way I had to face my own pain. Surprisingly in the afternoon my back pain had gone. Our meditation technique was the same as yesterday. I was quite comfortable with the technique and sitting.

Every lunch was a surprise in this retreat. Today's lunch was baked-spinach-rice-slice with salad. I watched what I ate and not dared to be greedy since I knew the result with a full stomach during meditation was hard to concentrate.

What a pity that I couldn't remembered today’s discourse.

Day 4
Day 4 was the most exciting day of all. Today I had been told we were going to start Vipassana meditation. Well the two morning sessions had gone by and the afternoon session approached. I was still waiting. During the afternoon session the teacher again asked all the new students came to the front and asked whether we could feel the touch of our breath. Again I said yes. After the afternoon group meditation at the Hall, we had told if our desire to go to toilet then go now because the next two hours wouldn't be allow to get out of the hall. Of course everyone took this opportunity for a short break. We came back to the hall and the teaching started. Teacher Goenka started going through the instructions with us. This time we directed our attention straight to the top of our head. Amazingly I could feel the top of my head's sensation. I was so excited. We had to scan/survey our whole body's sensations from top of our head to the tip of our toes with total awareness and attentively. Whenever I directed my attention to a particular part of my body, I could feel the sensation in that area. We had to do this remain equanimous with all the sensations that we experience whether pleasant, unpleasant or blind area which we couldn't feel any sensation at all for that particular area, by keeping in mind the law of nature ~ changing, impermanence and non-self. We were asked to sit still not to change our posture for an hour. This was the murder for most of the students. My legs and my lower back were killing me. They were so painful and I thought I was going to faint. I told myself : “Look, Buddha sat under the Bodhi tree and vowed not to get up until he enlightened. For me, my requirement was only one hour and I was thinking to quit. What a weak mind I had!” I told myself I could do better than this. I kept telling my legs when I scan through my body this soon will pass ~ anicca! Ah I didn't mention about my left face on the second and third day because it was tolerable but today my real sensation had been woken up by paying total awareness on my face. It was like someone smashed my left face, hard pushed and twisted. The pain was so intensify. Every time I went by and observed with total equanimity. I didn't sleep well because I was eagerly practising the technique in bed. The discourse for tonight was on the Eightfold Paths and the Four Noble Truths.

Lunch for today was baked tofu with rice and tomatoes sauce. There would always be salad to go with all the lunchtime meals.

Day 5
I thought today I should be tired because of little hours of sleeping from last night and fortunately I was full of energy. The more I watched my sensations, the more I was amazed how my sensations were. My left face had the same sensation as yesterday. It started to get annoy but I observed it objectively. I told myself: “Anicca!” Today I could sit still without changing my posture for an hour. I was feeling tremendously success. I wanted to do a sun dance ~ dance around with my arms up and down.

Lunch ~ sighed! ~ it was vegetarian shepherd pie. Gosh it was so delicious!

The discourse for tonight was on suffering, the 12 conditions and 5 aggregates. He also recited the words after prince Siddhartha enlightened.

During afternoon's meditation session somehow the Heart Sutra was popped up in my mind and I saw every single word was so clear to me as I observed my sensations. Every single word in this sutra is talking about the things I experienced. I was so excited and continue observed my sensations. I could see these five aggregates are also fallen into this stream of sensations which can be experience as anicca and anatta. Our body can be seen as this stream of sensations and from this stream of sensations, we see our body. My eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind meet see, hear, smell, taste, feel and thought also come to this streams of sensations. All things from this universe have the same stream of sensations. It has no beginning and no ending. It just flows on. If we could understand this simple stream of sensations and we are not attach to this non-material like of sensations then we can come out from our own miseries. No wonder why Guan-Yin and Buddha could maintain their Dharma joys because they understand this and not attach. I was over joy to discover the Heart Sutra is within us. I could not sleep that night. I was over joy.

Day 6
Day 6 was just an ordinary day. I thought I would be tired due to no sleep last night but it went away quickly with my total attention and awareness on my sensations. Today we had to observe our sensations from top to toes and from toes to top. I had no trouble with this at all.

We had peanut sauce with boiled-rice and mixed with boiled and baked vegetables. We had raw beetroot and carrots for salad.

Discourse was on craving, sankhara and the five enemies for a meditator. Today somehow I had this word sankhara in my mind through the day.

Day 7
Today we had to observe our body sensations not part by part of our body but move our attention simultaneously and symmetrically from top to toes and from toes to top. Today was the most unbearable one. My thoughts kept come in and go. I couldn't concentrate at all. I kept telling myself during my meditation that I was an observer, not a planner, stories teller, future predictor and history researcher. I should always observe instead of thinking the things had happened and not happen. I was irritable and restlessness. My left face's pain was so intensify. The teacher again asked all the new students on the equanimous. I told the teacher I had no problem with my equanimous but I had this pain on my left face and I did had few times during my meditation that my top body as light as feather and my bottom part was all numb. She asked me to come to see her at 12noon. I did and found the answers were the same as I had ~ all sensations are anicca and they will eventually go away. Oh well, I missed my after lunch nap and thought I might fell into sleep during the after lunch meditation session. I told myself I should meditate in my own room so that I could catch up with my nap but my other side of mind said: “No, today is day 7 and I haven’t got much time left. I have already wasted this morning. I could not afford to waste anymore.” I sat through the afternoon session without much complication. I was delighted.

Lunch time for today was baked-chickpeas slice with salad. We had carrot cakes for dessert. I wonder as the cook knew about chickpeas would produce lots of gas in the stomach. That afternoon people were farting and burping lots. I did the same thing but fortunately that I could express my gas silently into the sitting cushion unlike the girl behind me who made a long series of bubbling farting. Funny enough there were no body laugh! The boys at the other side of the hall also farted heavily.

Oh yes, I forgot to talk about the girl who sat behind me. During these 10 days retreat, whenever she stretched herself she kicked my bum. The assistance teacher observed that and asked our manager to tell her off. She was one ear in and another out. She also put on some sort of perfume that I nearly passed out. She was a sleep-talk person and she talked out loud at night during her sleep. My meditation word for today was anicca.

Tonight's discourse was on five friends for meditator. Don't ask me who are they because I only remembered the first one ~ faith.

Day 8
Today was alright. I was back to my 'normal' calm mind. We had been told that we had to sweep through our body sensations. It was hard to sweep through without a free flow. I didn't have free flow at all. This free flow must be the one Sumedha Bhante was talking about. He told me he had free flow like cool running water coming from the top of his head to his feet. Anyway I tried my best to do so as I told the assistant teacher.

Today's lunch was baked-spinach-macaronies with baked zucchinis.

My meditation word was equanimous. Tonight's discourse was on being awareness and equanimous; how to get rid of our old sankharas, cause and effect; and the conditions with our sankhara.

Day 9
Times went by quickly and today was the 9th day. Today I actually felt part of my body could have free flow of sensations. They travelled in a great velocity. Most of these free flow sensations liked the electric current ~ zap through the body. Funny though I didn't think they gave me the pleasant sensation but I didn't care. As long as I could sweep through my sensation I was happy. My left face still agony with great pain. Teacher Goenka said if any part of the body has this kind of solidity unpleasant sensations then we couldn't get a free flow through the whole body. That would be alright because I knew eventually my time would come if I continue practise. I didn't feel depress or negative feeling about I was a loser. Perhaps I had a mind of not looking for things during this retreat. Well I was pleased I did have part of free flow. The best things were I could observe both pleasant and unpleasant sensations at the same time which I should not grow myself into craving and aversion. I was a lucky one.

Tonight's discourse was on how to use vipassana in our daily life and the ten parami. Ha! This 10 parami which I could remember: Renunciation, sila, effort, tolerance, truthfulness, strong determination, wisdom, equanimity, selfless love and generosity. Tell you a secret I've got these from the booklet I've got at the end of the course. I didn't sleep well tonight because of the girl behind me spoke so loud in her dream again but I didn't wasted my time. I used it on my meditation. My meditation words for today were dukkha and anatta.

Day 10
Today we were going to close the noble silent thingy. We had been taught the metta meditation and didn't do much meditation as the previous 9 days. Wow you just couldn't believe once the noble silent had been taken off people started to chat vigorously. I didn't feel like talking but people approached me. They all interested in finding my experience. I told them I had no secret at all. They said I did well and called me super woman because I could sit through all my meditation sessions for these 10 days with my back straight and didn't change my posture. One of the girls from Darwin told me she only meditated 3 hours per day because these 3 hours were compulsory. She told me that she hitch-hiked her way from Darwin to Adelaide. She told me she had problem with her husband, etc. etc. which I had no interested. There were one kindergarten teacher and one primary school teacher. The kindergarten teacher had 3 children. She was coming from Italian background and was loaded with heavy catholic teaching. She loved the Dharma she had learnt from these 10 days and would like her kids to take some short course. The other teacher found Buddha's teaching was amazing and would like to pursuer further. I was so happy and willing to help them if they need help in the intellectual level. I could supply them web sites to read more on Buddhism. One India lady from Hindu background and found the Dharma was fascinating. They were all happy with the teachings and the philosophy in Buddhism. Some old students were trying to explain to the new students about the concepts. I heard lot of conversations about their stories and all of them were full of miseries. I felt pity for them and hope that from these 10 days they could get some happiness or know how to get out from miseries quicker than before. I just couldn't concentrated in the after lunch meditation with all these conversations in my head. I agreed with Goenka that chatting doesn't go well with meditation ~ silence is a must. In the evening I told myself: “Look, I have no time to do serious meditation at home if I don’t make use of the left hours in here.” I went straight into Samadhi and went through my one hour meditation before the discourse. The discourse was about how to practise Vipassana at home and the benefit of metta meditation. I didn't sleep well at all with a mosquito in my ears all the time. It was a hot night. I wore as little clothes as possible. I woke up at 2am and I couldn't do any meditation at all. My family’s faces came one by one into my mind liked a movie preview. I lost my equanimous.

We had pizza for lunch today.

Day 11
I woke up at 2am as I mention it before. I had a shower then packed my stuff. We had to listen to some chanting by teacher Goenka then followed his discourse. Each word he said was full of compassion. I wanted to give him my hug for appreciation. I wanted to offer a thunder egg for the assistant teacher to show her these 10 days I found my jewels but she refused to take it. Oh well I didn't persist. She told me if I had gratitude for her I should walk/follow the path. I thanked her and blessed her in my heart.

I had a wonderful breakfast today ~ Kheer and chai. I think I had developed not to be greedy. I didn't over eat myself out. It was delicious. I still would feel the smell and tasted in my teeth while I am typing this. Anyway I stayed back to help out to clean the meditation hall and other odd jobs. I left the place at around 8:30am. I was very nervous to drive my car and I drove with care ~ slowly. I let all cars passed me and I made home safely. I went to my parents’ place first to tell them I arrived home. I then went home after a quick chat. I got home and both of my kids ran to welcome me. My girl told me she had a merit for her year-12 specialist maths. I was delighted. I kissed them all and was jumping up and down with them to celebrate Sophia's merit. My Donut jumped and licked all over me for more than 20 minutes. I was so moved that they all missed me that much. I was tired but went out to have lunch with my family. I was hoping I could bake some vegetarian shepherd pie for them unfortunately we had no potatoes left in our pantry. I ended up with baked-spinach-macaronis. They were happy with their dinner. Tonight I didn't do any meditation at all. I know I am lazy but there were so many things to catch up with.

My best companion Nicholas

When I knew I was going to have a second child, I thought that I could not give my love to you. It was simply because I thought that I have given all my love to your sister Sophia. I could not imagine how I was going to handle that situation. It was a dilemma.

But when I first saw you, I fell in love with you straight away. I love your little button nose and your dimple. Everything about you looked so perfect and still looks so perfect. My fear disappeared instantly. Thank goodness for that.

Being with you is the most wonderful thing on this world. You are the best travel companion. You and I have been to so many trips together. We went to India, Nepal, Vietnam, Singapore, England, Italy and many more countries. Whenever I couldn’t close my suitcase, I would call you to come help. You would go away and pack my suitcase neat and tidy. Whenever I got lost, you were my life compass. It was absolutely amazing how you had such a good memory of the places we had been before. I still remember the first time you took me around Ho Chi Minh City to look for a bookshop when you were seven years old because your uncle had took you there once before. The second time was in India, we got lost in busy Mumbai city in 2007. You took a group of people back to the hotel which no taxi/car could go through at that time. You were only 13 years old. I don't think I can conjure what goes on in that brilliant mind of yours.

In our recent trip to Nepal 2 weeks ago, you found the hotel where we stayed 4 years ago. You and I walked through most of the alleys in Thamel – Kathmandu to look for the baby Buddha statue that we saw four years ago and I was so obsessed. You were determined to search it for me. We went up and down the streets in a tirelessness search for it. Finally on our second last day at Nepal, few shops away from our hotel, you saw a shop that had not been opened and now opened on that particular day. You said mum that is the shop. We saw a little baby Buddha status was on the shelf. That was it. We have found the little baby Buddha four years ago that I should have purchased.

You and your sister are my best companions on our spiritual path. Through you I have learnt so much and no doubt will continue to learn much more. I see myself in you. You have taught me tolerance, acceptance, compassion, loving kindness and how to let go. The reason for you being vegetarian was we should all learn – feel the pain for other beings. You are my Bodhisattva.

I don’t always speak the words ‘I love you’ in front of you but you know that you are my sweet heart. You mean so much to me. No matter what you do and who you are and will become, you have my love and support. I am truly proud of you.

Whenever I feel low, I will try to think about you and your sister, because you both make me laugh and happy. I am so happy that I have a son like you. I had no regret that I have been through all the hardship to bring you up. I love you my son.

Love your mama

A letter to my nui nui

Dear nui nui,
 
This is really a tough task for me to write you a letter. Well, we often use emails and poems to communicate. But for this one, I don't really know what to tell you since we have shared most of our feelings and stories that has happened in our lives. We have shared our darkest secrets and all our laughter. We have so many special moments that we shared. I thank God for giving me you. I thank you for letting me look over your internet chatting, and from time to time, you let me drop a 'hello' on your friends' chat rooms to frighten them off. I have great fun. I wonder how many kids will allow their parents to chat with their friends in the chat room and read their conversations.


I think I have told you this before - I was in love with you before you were born. I separated with your dad at the time when I found I was pregnant. My GP told me if my marriage was not happy than he could do something for my pregnancy. I said never, I wanted this child no matter what happened to my marriage. Fortunately everything worked out the way it should.

 
Although it took me 26 hours before I could meet you face to face, it was well worth it. You looked so cute. I thank God for sending me this little angel to me. When you were in your early years, you had reflux and eczema all over your tiny little body. As a first time mum I worried like hell. Sorry to use this word but you can see how worried I was. Why were other babies' skin so smooth and mine was just like a crocodile skin! What had happened to my little angel? I took you to visit numerous GPs and local nurses. They all said it would go away when you turn one. So I patiently wait until you reached one year old. I took you back to our GP. He said the eczema would go away when you turn five. We waited on and by five the eczema was still there. Many times we visited our GP and specialist, the outcome was eczema would be with my little angel for life. Why am I telling you this in here? Although we have had many hard times together but I still enjoy being your mama.

 
Through your 17 years, you have taught me to be patient and tolerant. You have taught me LOVE. You have challenged me to do my master course, if you can still remember. You asked me to teach you how to build web pages in year 4. I went through all the html tags with you and you said "Oh mum, can't you use something much simpler than these tags." I said "Like what?" You then said "Why can't we use composer?" At that minute, I told myself I need to go back to school so I did my masters in multimedia just to keep myself up to date for you.

 
I was thrilled when you had your first job at the Athelstone Kumon tuition centre at the age of 14 years old. You have kept your job ever since. Last week couple of kids came to me and said "Sophia is a legend. Everybody wants her help at the Kumon centre." You just don't know how proud I was.

 
I can't see much of myself in you. Your perseverance, hard-working attitude, high aims and love for others truly amazes me. I often ask myself what I have done to have a daughter like you. It is truly amazing to see your eagerness to learn new things and willing to take up challenges. I remembered when you were 6 years old. I took you to a Chinese poem competition. People had recited that poem for more than one term and you just got there and learnt it for only one week. I asked you: "Are you sure you can make it?" You said to me: "Mum, it's only 10 lines." You came second in that competition. I was amazed with your confidence.


I am so proud of you that you are determined to succeed in your studies and other things in life. You embark professionally and full of enthusiasm on all tasks you have received from school and from us. I hope you do well in your exams and enjoy whatever comes in your way this summer holiday! Hope you enjoy your Kiaros retreat and find whatever you need to find from this retreat. So what can I say about my dear nuinui. Well, I am going to use our usual way of communication by writing you a poem.
 
Best to have you when we travel
You are the quickest live calculator I can get
Doing all the conversions and calculations
 
Best to have you when my impure mind arises
You are there to remind me the right and the wrong
People might think how odd? Well we learn things from each other
Guide me out of the corner and set me straight
 
Best to have you when we eat icecream
You are there to help me out
Finish up with whatever flavours I have in my cup
 
Best to have you when your brother is trouble
You will be there to help him out
Coach him in maths and other things in life
 
The best of all
You are my joy



Love ya, your mama 

To my daughter Sophia

Life will not be the same without you. The first day when I found out I was pregnant I fell in love with you. I kept imagining what you would actually look like. I read heaps books about babies and tried to relate them to you. I kept talking to you at night when nobody was around. I monitored my tummy every day. I just couldn't wait to see your face. I was counting the days as they passed by. I reminded myself that I need to be good to everybody and have a nice temper because I believed that you would get affected. I kept thinking about you during my work and in my dream. My first child! 

I had a very long labour, 26 hours in fact, and had taken a lot of painkillers. When I first saw you, I thought "Oooo! ", how come you look so funny. Your skin was so pink and wrinkly. I was overwhelmed with joys and tiredness. I couldn't hold you at all because my hands were shaking from taking too many painkillers.

When I had a closer look at you the next day, I realised you are the cutest baby I have ever seen. I never got tired of looking at you. I love your little bold head, your big thumbs, little button nose and your little feet.

I left you with your grandparents when you were five months old. But I did not feel guilty because I knew that they would look after you well. I haven't had much trouble with you. But everybody was saying that you have been very spoiled. Luckily I think you are not so bad in that area.

I am very glad that I have you.
10/06/1996

My journey from Vietnam to Australia

I was born in a middle class family. I have two older brothers (Kong and Sing) whom lived in HongKong since they were 18 years old and three older sisters (Nhung, Fong and Hing). I was pretty happy living in a family like this. I always had what I wanted. When I was about ten years old, I had set my goal to finish high school and was happy if my parents arranged a marriage for me after that. I thought I would never need to work in my life other than help my father in his business. I thought my life was as simple as that.

There was a traumatic change in my life after the 30th of April 1975. I was about twelve years old at the time. As I remember, that year was the year South Vietnam became liberated. The communist army was everywhere. I followed the South Vietnamese to welcome the communist. Things started to happen about two weeks later. They froze all the cities. Nobody could get out of their houses. They wanted to change the currency. They declared that the existing currency was no use. Those who did not obey were killed. The money in the bank would belong to the bank yet it had no value. My father always invested his money in the bank and all his machinery. He also liked to keep cash as well. That night, I saw my father and my sister Fong counting all the money we had in the house. That was the order from the communists. It was a 15 kg-rice bag full of money. I did not know the amount, but I my father did not sleep that night. Everybody was silent. I knew something was serious. Next day, Fong and my father took that bag of money to the bank. In return, we had two hundred dollars. I could see people burning money on the street. I could hear people committing suicide by jumping off their balcony. What could we do with these two hundred dollars my mother asked? My mother said, “Yenha you cannot have your luxury breakfast any more. We cannot afford to employ workers in your father’s shop.” This currency change had happened twice within three years since 1975. My father had nearly went insane during the second currency change.

Everything changed upon the arrival of the communists. My school was not allowed to teach Chinese. I had to learn Vietnamese instead. Going to school was not important to children any more. All students had to do labour work and had political lessons. I was the most uncooperative one within my class. Every time they said, “Your parents are not your parents. Uncle Ho Chi Minh and the communists are your parents.” Then I would shout out “RUBBISH!” I got thrown out of my classroom very often. I could never recite the five rules from Uncle Ho Chi Minh. I never joined them to go to pick up the rubbish in the field. My parents always made up excuses for me not to go. There were some children whose hands and legs were blown off or they were blown up just for picking up rubbish because the American Army had set up a quite number of land mines in the field. Who knew where they would put them. So I was always made to stand in front of the class and have a board hang down from my neck saying, “I am not a good child of Uncle Ho Chi Minh.” When I finished sixth grade in 1977, I had forgotten to enrol for seventh grade. So when my sister and I turned up to school in the new term, they said we could not go to school because we didn’t enrol. My father said to his daughters, “You don’t need to go to school anymore. They teach nothing but rubbish.” We were ecstatic. So my two sisters, Fong and Hing, went to the sewing school to learn sewing. I went to a private art class to learn drawing. When we had nothing to do, we helped our father in his shop. He was still doing his business secretly so we could be fed. Why was it a secret? The communist forbid anyone to have their own business.

Every month, my father needed to attend a local meeting with the communists. During the meeting, he was required to reflect on himself to look for his own faults. My sister Fong needed to attend a local fortnightly meeting about how to become a watchdog for the neighbourhood and how to make other people’s life more miserable. Hing and I had to do the same thing. I also needed to attend a local fortnightly meeting. I always chose the last row and fell asleep in the meeting. Sometimes I would let my imagination run wild during these kind of meetings. Every morning around 5 am, somebody from the neighbourhood knocked at our door and asked us to wake up and join in the exercise team. We had to go otherwise during the meeting, we had to say how bad we were and we should be punished. That means we needed to do some labour work in the fields. We had to buy rotten food from the communists with most of the time spent queuing. There was once when we bought some fishes from them, my neighbour cooked them and fed the cat. Can you guess what happened after? The cat died after the feast. We hardly ate any food from the communists. We were fortunate enough to buy our food from the black market. The communists would name a person ‘capitalist’, if he/she did not do what they asked. Once a person became ‘capitalist’, then that person would end up in strife. This meant hard labour work or they have to go to the ‘New Educational Camp’. The ‘New Educational Camp’ was an open ground that had no houses, no markets, no hospital, no facilities for daily living, no toilets. It was a horrific place not suitable to be lived by any human being.  

My father and one of his friends had a joined a steel mill. His friend left Vietnam just before the communists came. So they were not aware my father was a partner. The communists took over that mill. Luckily it was gone. My father also had a shop, a joint business with my uncle, selling irrigation parts and machinery in Saigon now Ho Chi Minh City. That shop was under my uncle’s name. He only maintained his own irrigation parts and machinery services shop at Cho Lon. Luckily my father business was only a service shop otherwise our family would have needed to go to the “New Educational Camp”. It was dependent on what kind of business people did at the time. Some people were sent to the worst camp and others to a so-called better camp where they did not suffer as much. My uncle’s whole family had been sent to the “New Educational Camp”. The communists came to their house at about 10 pm and packed them all up at the back of an army truck. They hid in the jungle and escaped from Vietnam to become boat people. My aunty died during the escape. Most business people were sent to the camp. The communists also did not send a member of the party to live with us. They had assigned one communist to stay in my neighbour’s house. Whenever people left or entered the house, they checked their shopping bags and searched their body for gold and other valuables. My mother was so scared. We were all very nervous and sensitive about the things that happened around us. The communists had come to our house to search through several times. First time they came, my father hid a box of gold inside a machine. They did a report on what we have inside my father’s workshop. They told my father all his machinery and things in this workshop now belonged to the communist party. They marked and labelled whatever they want to take. Once they left my parents breathed out a sigh of relief. If they took all the machines away at that instance then our box of gold would have been gone forever. That night, my father took out that box of gold and hid it inside one of our pillars. He did a very good job to hide that box of gold. This box of gold was my mother’s saving. My mother often said it was like collecting dews on a lotus leave. It took her many, many years to collect the box of gold.

Things had changed again in June 1978. My sister Fong received a notice to go the countryside to do tunnel digging for three months. My mother tried to buy someone to replace her, but failed. My other sister Hing also received a notice to go for army training at the end of 1978. There was not any indication for how long she was required to go for. We had heard lots bad news about tunnel digging and army training. There were lots of people who went and never returned.

My mother said to my father, “That’s it! I’ve had enough. We need to get out from here.” At that time, one of my father’s friends had a fishing boat. They had planned to get out. My father was willing to be the mechanic on the boat and supply all the necessary machineries and parts that they needed to make the boat run efficiently and safely. We were required to pay the communists 3290.625 grams of gold. There were nine people in my family. Each person needed to pay 13 pieces of gold. Each is equivalent to 28.125 grams. My family included my parents, three sisters, elder brother in law, nephew, niece and myself. My mother’s gold saved us all. But we were still 253.125 grams of gold short. Luckily two of our cousins were willing to lend us these 253.125 grams of gold. Our cousin Tan told my parents that they didn’t need to pay back his seven pieces of gold after we arrived in Australia. Fong paid the 2 pieces gold back to our other cousin FengYu.

My father chose the open escape. This meant we paid the communists so we could get out of the country instead of sneaking out. After several months of planning and preparation, at last we could get on the boat and say farewell to Vietnam. My father chose an iron fishing boat due to its safety and strong structure. However, when the boat owner registered the boat for an open escape, the communist party wanted to possess it. At the end they replaced the iron boat with a wooden fishing boat. 

In August of 1977, we had been told it was time to leave. We were so happy and confused because we did not know where we were going at that time. We knew that we were risking our lives for freedom.

On the day before our escape, I attended a local meeting about being a watchdog. My best childhood friend Han Xiang had been assigned to watch our house. On the day of our escape I wanted to tell Han Xiang I would never ever see him again for the rest of our life. I swallowed back all the words I wanted to tell him. I did not even say goodbye to him. We sneaked out from our house one by one quietly to my cousin’s house. We were not allowed to let anybody know that we were escaping. We were only allowed to bring two pairs of clothes. There was nothing more than that. My cousin drove us to Bien Hoa. It is a country town in South Vietnam. There was a bus waiting for us. We drove along an unsealed road to get to a small fishing boat waiting for us. The communists called out our names and matched our photos. We got onto the boat. I was very surprised to see how tiny the boat was. This fishing boat was 24 metres long and 4.2 metres wide. The boat number plate was VT333. Originally we had over 400 people on this boat. We could not even move or stretch our legs. The cabin was stuffy. I had trouble breathing. The boat went smoothly for about 3 hours. When it came to the International Water, the sea was so rough. We could hear our boat begin to wreck. We could hear the cracking sounds. People started to throw up. I could hear a group of people pray to Bodhisattva Avalokitesvara. My mother was praying hard. It was dark, smelly and scary. Somebody even pissed on the person who sat next to me. She yelled out loud. I thought we were going to die. The boat was like a mixer machine, it mixed all the people and goods together. But luckily the Captain decided to return back to Vietnam. We went back to Bien Hoa in the middle of that night. We stayed in a vacant farmhouse for more than a month just waiting for our boat to be fixed. It split in several places. A few boys on top of the cabin saw a white lady leading our boat towards the shore. Bodhisattva Avalokitesvara must have answered our prayer. We had no money to spend in the farmhouse. My father gave all his cash to the communists before we departed because they asked all people on board for Vietnamese currency. They said we would not need our Vietnamese currency overseas. One of my father’s friends actually supplied us money at that time. In the farmhouse, there was no bed, no toilet, no bathroom and no kitchen. But we survived. There was an open toilet in the middle of a fish pond. It was fascinating watching the fishes jumping up to catch the fresh poo. This took me a while to get used to it. Furthermore we bathed in the same pond as the fish. It was definitely unhygienic!
In October 1978, we started our trip again. This time the communist used the role call system and only 328 people were able to board. We made it to one of the islands in Malaysia – Besa Island. This trip took us three days and three nights on the sea. On the second day my mother asked me to look for our father because we hadn’t seen him for more than a day. So I went to the machinery room and found my father lying there. I asked him whether he was still ok. He couldn’t answer me but the person next to him said he wouldn’t die that easily. On the second night, we saw a boat and our captain quickly turned off all the lights because he suspected it was a pirate boat.

All of us sat in a small fishing boat without food and water for three days and three nights. Once we saw some land, we were so happy but did not know where we were. One of the guys on our boat seemed very experienced. He used an axe to break the boat to make it sink. We couldn’t understand why he did that at that time. We all needed to jump off the boat and swim to the shore. I was looking for my father at that time. He was lying down half dead in the machinery room. I told him that we arrived in an unknown island and we needed to swim to the shore. Can you guess what happened? All the girls in my family did not know how to swim at the time. But somehow all of us made it to the shore. The waves actually pushed us to the shore. There were two Malaysian Police Officers were talking to our interpreter. They slapped him on his face. They told us to get back onto our boat and leave the island immediately. Now I understand why the wise man had made our boat sunk. I think at that time our interpreter explained to them that we could not get back onto our boat because it was sinking. The two officers could not do anything except let us stay. But another boat came in about a second after us and was towed away by the Malaysian water police. The next day we saw their boat wrecked on the shore. We knew that they could not make it. We all cried. We were allowed to stay in a big empty house up in the mountains for about couple of days. Then they transferred us to an island called ‘Pulau Bidong’. The sound ‘Bi Dong’ in Chinese means suffering.

Bidong Island was a huge undeveloped island. It took three hours by boat to get there. The sea was very rough. My parents were ill and seasick. Again we needed to swim to shore and once more we swallowed many litres of salt water. 

When we arrived at Bidong Island, it was almost evening. We met one of our neighbours there. He gave us a bowl of cooked rice. Nobody could imagine the beautiful fragrance and taste of rice. All of us had a spoonful of it. My brother-in-law met a friend there as well. He actually built huts to sell to the new arrivals. He said we did not need to pay to stay in his hut for couple of days. But when we were in his hut, he said to my parents that we needed to pay him 84.375 grams of gold. My mother had to sell her wedding ring, my ear-rings, our beautiful Seiko watches and my grandmother’s earrings. We had gathered all our gold jewellery to get these 84.375 grams of gold to pay him. Otherwise we had nowhere to stay and besides, my parents were very ill at that time. There were 16 people lived in a 3m x 4m hut. My family consist of nine people. My father’s friend’s three children (Minh, Bien and Fan) and one family of four, whom I never met in my life claimed to be our relative in order to stay with us. There was no bed or anything in the hut. It was so crowded. We could not even lie down side by side. I felt like a sardine in a can. Our neighbour saw our situation and allowed my father to stay in his hut while he was on the island. On the next day of our arrival, Fong, Hing, Minh, Bien and I borrowed a saw and an axe. Five of us went up to the mountain to chop down some trees to make a bunk bed for my mother and my eldest sister’s family. We went to the shipwreck to get some nails and some other useful things. There were plenty of shipwrecks lying close to the shore. We decided to build another hut next to the one we had. We had no footwear, nor any proper tools to chop the trees. We only had a blunt axe and a saw, which we borrowed from someone. We needed to climb high up in the mountain to get some straight trees because people who came before us had got all the good timber close to the foot of the mountains. The way up was very slippery and sloppy. We fell and rolled down many times while we carried heavy timber. We were very lucky that we did not injure anybody or ourselves. We built a hut’s frame using all the timber from the mountains. Hing went up to the mountain and found some plants that had very long and wide leaves. So she weaved them to make walls for the hut. Everything was done by hand with no access to any technology. I was amazed that we were surviving. We had to get firewood from the mountain. We had to fetch drinking water down from the jetty that was more than a 30 minute walk from our huts. We could not use the water from the island because it caused diseases. We always had to beg for water to wash our clothes because we did not have our own well. I remembered we had a coca cola can of water to wash our body. I was not sure which part of my body that I should give a wash. We did not have enough people to dig our own well. We had been given heaps of green beans for food from the Malaysia government. I think the Americans and other countries funded it. So we grew them into bean sprouts. We were given heaps of dried salt fishes that had worms. We ate them and they were so delicious. Do you believe it? There was not enough food for everybody. We were given chicken and beef three or four times within the five months we stayed. I remember there was once my sister Fong went for a walk with her friend on the shore. Her friend kicked something and found it was an uncooked chicken leg. He was so delighted and happy as if had found gold. He waved his chicken leg and jumped up and down. We always laughed at him about this. He was so proud that he had found a chicken leg on the shore.

We met one of our cousins on the island. I had more than twenty cousins. She told us about her trip. She had been robbed and stripped three times by the Thai pirates. One of the women on the boat got her finger chopped off by a pirate because she could not get her ring off from her finger. There was a baby who died of thirst during the escape. They even considered cooking up that baby to eat its flesh because they were on the boat for five days without food and water. But the baby’s mother refused. They needed to drink their own urine. They arrived on an unknown island and stayed there for a week. There was no fresh water or food other than coconuts. They ate coconuts every day and got heavy diarrhoea. After a week on that island, they had been discovered by the Malaysian Police and put them on the ‘Bidong’ island. This was a very sad story.

My mother had bad gastro for a while on the island. She could not get used to the water there. Once we thought we were going to lose her but Buddha did not let that happen. I thank Buddha many, many times for that. My father was very sick but he recovered much quicker than my mother. Once he recovered from sickness, he started to build up his business on the island. One afternoon he walked along the shore with me. He saw there were lots soft drink cans lying on the shore. He asked me to pick them up for him. The more I got the better things he could do with them. He opened up all the empty cans and joined them together into a big pieces of can metal. He used them to make trays, water barrows, suitcases and all sorts of kitchenware. The water barrows that he made wouldn’t leak. He did not have a welding machine at that time. He used the big fuel tank’s lid to make woks. He used “Coco Cola” glass bottles to make lamps. It was amazing what my father could do with his own hands. I had learnt how to join small pieces of metal into a big piece of metal, but I could not join them together as well as my father could. My water barrow leaked. He asked me to sell all his products and gave me some commission. So I did. His business grew rapidly. We received heaps of orders from people. We started to have money to buy better food. We even had enough to buy junk food. Before that, I could only look at people eating and trying to swallow my hunger quietly. I was in the stage of puberty at that time. My stomach was hungry all the time. There were a lot of people who came to say hello to my father wanting to have a free cigarette from him. Our lives were getting better and better. My mother eventually recovered from her sickness. We were all one big happy family again.
I learnt how to swim during the time we stayed on the island. So if I needed to jump down from a boat, I did not need to drink salt water anymore. I also learnt to see people in different ways. Like how I see my father now, he is truly a hero to me. He supports his family unconditionally and the way he deals with people. He has a strong determined mind and is never afraid of taking risks.

I often climbed up a small hill, sat there alone for hours and thought about my unknown future, about my life, about my parents, about many, many people who gave up their lives in this escape, about life and death. I couldn’t hold back my tears for the people who had lost their lives. I gazed at the sea-horizon and was lost in thoughts.

Five months later, our names were called from the Australian Embassy. We were so happy that Australia was going to interview us. On that day we went to the interview, Fong and my mother borrowed their friend’s thongs. Hing always had her own because she could never walk barefoot. My father wore his handmade wooden thong. I went bare feet. We got accepted straightway during the interview. The Australian Embassy said that Australia needed lots of young girls and they laughed. They asked my father what were our preferences. My father had put down our three preferences as Australia only. My eldest sister did not get called because she was in a separate family. She was very upset about that. Fong came back from the interview and asked her friend why his things were so heavy. The next day we saw a hole underneath his thongs. We all laughed and thought he must of hidden his gold in that pair of thongs.

Two weeks after the interview, they called our names again to go to Australia. We were really delighted but did not know what Australia was like. We also knew that my eldest sister’s family would join us in Australia because her family also got accepted from the Australian Embassy. We all thanked Buddha for that! So we packed our rag clothes and got onto the boat happily on the set day. Strangely on that day our backyard Cambodian neighbour who we had no contact with, went to the jetty and bid us farewell. The handsome Cambodian guy came to shake our hands and say goodbye. We were stunned and amazed. We thought maybe he had been our secret admirer. This time we did not need to swim to the boat. We actually had a jetty to walk to the boat. I was thankful of people who had built that jetty. We took three hours from the island to the mainland and sat on the bus for the whole night before we arrived at Kuala Lumpur. We stayed in a refugee camp for about three weeks. We were not allowed to get out of the camp, but my sister Fong and my father managed to follow people to sneak out to get us some decent clothes.

We arrived at Sydney on the 11th of May 1979. I was fifteen years old. That day was so cold. I think it was less than fifteen degrees. We had our summer clothes on. Everything was so strange to me. All the trees were look so strange. They were short, dried and bendy-looking trees. Their leaves were not green as I got used to see the trees back home. People looked strange and the building looked strange. The houses were so far apart and there were not many people on the streets. Everywhere seemed so dry that I could not find many rivers or creeks around. We stayed in a hostel for about two weeks. I cannot remember what it was called. My father’s friend from Adelaide came to fetch us. He and his wife drove us to Adelaide. Fong was so disappointed about my father’s decision.

Straight away, Hing and I were placed in a special English School for about five months. We had been placed in a school called Thorndon High School after the special schooling. I was too old to get into year eight class. In Australia, it is according to the student’s age to be put into a particular class. Again, I had found this strange. So I was enrolled into a year ten class at Thorndon High. Hing was in a year eleven class. I actually jumped three years of schooling. I started school at eight years old doing year one. I stopped school when I completed year six. We really struggled at school. I had problems with catching up as I had missed three years of schoolwork along with problems with English. My study habit consisted of getting home from school and starting my homework by looking up the dictionary to translate all the vocabularies to Chinese. I would get to bed at 9pm or 9:30pm and wake up at about 3:30am and continue to do my homework. Hing’ study habit was totally different from mine. After school, she went to bed straightaway. She woke up for dinner. After dinner she worked through to about 3:30 am in the morning and went to bed after that. We all made it through to university but she quitted after matriculation even though she could get to university. I made it through, and got myself an ordinary degree and an honours degree in the Mathematical Science Faculty in 1987 and a master degree in multimedia in 2002. It was hard but I made it.

My parents went to a special English school for about two years. They could get themselves around the community without any problems. Fong went to a special English school for about five months and got a job after that. She was a quick learner. She used to own a restaurant and a takeaway but now she prefers to work for others.

We never regret coming to Australia. My father is the only exception as he always says he could still be in business if he was in Vietnam. My mother says, “The most important thing is we all together and happy.” My two brothers are also here in Adelaide with us.


Sing’s escape

My second brother Sing had a different story. My father arranged for him to escape Vietnam more than once. My father paid $40,000 for a deposit with a friend but at the end they took the deposit and ran. My father arranged for him a second time and this time he needed to escape twice. My father paid $850,000 for him to escape this time. Sing left Vietnam when he was 18 years old but failed. Somehow he couldn’t connect to his ship and got sent back home. I remembered he came home with his whole body wet and filled with sand. He said they dumped him on Long Hai beach and he didn’t even know how he managed to make it home. He sat on the staircase and cried. He said to our mother: “I will never go again.” So we hid him for a few more months on the roof top. Every time the local police came to search for the young male in each household, my parents worries became out of control. The hiding place was on the roof top but he needed to crawl over with a thin wobbly bamboo ladder. Once he was over on the other side of the roof top we removed the ladder. He made the escape again when he was 19 years old. He was lucky to reach Hong Kong. At least Kong was already there. My father again sent more US dollars to his friends and our cousins in Hong Kong hoping they would look after the two young boys but the money was never given to my brothers.


Kong was furious with our father’s decision. He said why trust other people compared to your own sons but they could not understand our father’s worries. Our father actually worried that if they had money, they might do drugs and alcohol. Kong is still upset to this day. He will not forgive our father for not trusting them.

Kong’s escape

My eldest brother Kong left Vietnam when he was 18 years old. That morning I remembered he held me up and gave me a hug. His eyes were filled with tears but I couldn’t understand why? I was only six years old. He gave me some coins and walked out with our father. Dad took him to the harbour at Saigon. My father paid $550,000 for him to sneak out Vietnam. At that time he was summoned to join the army.  He had informed my mum whether he passed his year 12 exams or not, he would still be required to join the army. We all knew joining the army meant death was imminent. From that day he left this family for 17 years.

Kong boarded on a huge cargo ship. He told us he was buried under all the goods inside the cabin. After the ship went pass the border and it got into the National Sea, they let him out from the hiding place. He got to Hong Kong safe and sound. He got to my cousin’s place and we thought they would look after him. My father sent a lot of money to our cousin, hoping she would look after Kong. She took the money instead and let my brother struggle alone in Hong Kong. My parents were unaware of the situation until they met my brother in 1980. 

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Pilgrimage in the Land of Wonblair (Part II)


The Bird of Paradise sent two phoenixes to rescue these five poor water ducks. The phoenixes led them to the Bird of Paradise with great care. Although they suffered from their deep wounds from Won-Duc-A-Won's plucking, they struggled on and made to all the holy places where the Bird of Paradise had enlightenment, nirvana, gave sermons and his birth place.

On the first day under the Mango Tree, the ducks were shedding their tears like mad. Nobody knew how hard that they had tried to reach this place. They had a great time under the Mango Tree. Although they were not enlightenment as the Bird of Paradise. They had found their inner peace. Under the Mango Tree, they met some of the great disciples of the Bird of Paradise. It was as if they had reached heaven when the ducks heard the song of enlightenment.

The ducks went to all the places they were suppose to visit with the help from the phoenixes. They also learnt many good things from the two phoenixes. The two phoenixes were very kind to the ducks. They were not only led them to their destinations; they also led them to the way of enlightenment for their future quest. Of course, not enlightenment as yet, but you just never know!

During their pilgrimage, a young duckling had grown close to the phoenixes. He wanted to follow the Phoenixes' path when he was a bit older and vowed to come back to the Land of Wonblair.

After seventeen happy days with the phoenixes, the three water ducks said farewell to the group and flied back home. The other two water ducks went two days after them. The phoenixes reminded them that they should always remember this trip which didn't come easy and always remember the Bird of Paradise's compassion and loving kindness. They thanked the phoenixes for their great help and teachings; with their respect that they brought back home with them a whole hearted of love.