Reborn

 
I have known the word equanimity long before I join in the Upkesa Village. I only used it during my sitting meditation and not my daily life until the 4th of June 2010. On that day I went for a colonoscopy because I found blood in my faeces. You may ask how on earth I look into my own faeces. This has to thank to Sophia. At year 8, she did a study of the human faeces to determine their health life style. In that study we need to look at our faeces to determine the colour, the shape, the smell and the texture to answer the survey. I have maintained this exercise until today. That was why I saw blood in my faeces.

On that day, my specialist told me I had bowel cancer. I remembered when my father had kidney cancer 10 years ago, I was in denial stage. I was shock and couldn’t hear a single word from the doctor but today, my mind was clear. I asked what action I could take for this. He asked whether I want to discuss this with my own GP. I said no need if this is the case. He sent me to have a CT scan, blood test, and visit my surgeon. I told my husband Cuong about the news when he came to pick me up from the colonoscopy. He cried. I said to him: “That’s ok. No need to feel sad. I am ok.” I went to have my eye operated on the same day then I went for my CT scan and waited for the result. I couldn’t wait until next Tuesday to see the result so I secretly opened the CT scan and read about it. The report was very good. They couldn’t even find my bowel cancel in the scan. This meant it must be at a very early stage. This was my assumption.

I knew nothing about this Dr Paul Leong. I visited Dr Le Cong on the 5th of June. Told him about my sickness and asked about this Dr Leong. Dr Le Cong assured me Dr Leong is a good surgeon. I should have no fear to be under his capable hands.

I went to see my surgeon on the 8th of June. He told me I have 3 options. Option 1: He would cut me up and join; Option 2: he would cut, join and have a temporary bag for my faeces and option 3 was he would cut, join and have a permanent bag for life. He said he couldn’t tell me which option because he needs to cut me up before he makes the decision. He also said he doesn’t know how advance my cancer is. Cuong cried when he heard I might carry a bag for life. I joked with them that my operation is similar to the BP oil pipe at Mexico – cut and cap. I laughed and said to have a bag is better than I say goodbye, yes? Cuong agreed. I did not tell my children about these 3 options because I did not want to scare them.

I went to see Thay on the 12th of June. I told him about my disease. I told him my big fat liar to my parents about I would be away for 3 weeks. I gave Thay my last words for my parents, children and Cuong to keep if I am leaving this world. Thay ensured me I would be fine. I was not so sure but I have to prepare for the worse so when the time come, I have no worry for whatsoever. I made my will, I appointed my power of attorney and guardianship. The talk with Thay made me more confident on what I am dealing with. Thay has awakened me on three things during his talk. I have no hold back when it comes to facing death. It’s only one thing about my parents. I often feel it’s a sin that I couldn’t serve my parents till the end. Thay told me to let go of this and make a vow. I vow to help all beings to remove their suffering and enter the ultimate joy of nirvana. Thay asked me do I have a vow. Yes, I do since young till now. I vow to become Avalokitesvara’s helper. I admire her. She is my role model. She guides me lot of times in my life.

My second awakening was my ego. I told Thay I love challenge. I love my work. I love people give me challenge. I also see this cancer is a challenge. Thay said: “You love challenge but your body can not take up all these stress.” I replay what Thay said again and again in my mind. Yes, every time I received a challenge, this means stress as well. Each time I solved a challenge, which means many nights I could not sleep and think about a solution for my challenge. Why I like challenge? It’s something to do with my ego/personality. To me nothing is impossible. In my previous 2 years, 3 people (Web developer, Web master and Network Administrator) left my work and I was the one who took on all their tasks plus my own. I thought my shoulders were broad enough to bear all these stress. Now I am working for TAFE and found a happy working life there but challenges are still exist through my life. I reviewed all these and found my ego is bigger than I can carry. What to do with my ego? I don’t know. I have been like this since young till now. It’s a habit that is hard to break. I will figure it out when my ego comes to play next time.

My third awakening was on form. I was worry for my father who has not taking refuge in Triple Gems. Thay has pointed out that we never know what a person can have with them. About my father, he is a kind person. He did many charities work in his life. When I was young, he took us to many temples, orphanages and nursing homes to do charities. He is never stingy on his money. I saw many times in my life that he gave all the money in his wallet to someone needed without questions. Although he likes to live in the past because he was proud what he has done through his life. That is nothing wrong with that. I was too into Triple Gems and could not see what he has within him. From now on I would not push for this to happen.

At the minute I knew about my cancer, I’ve told myself equanimity. I needed to face it, accept it and deal with it. I could not be afraid and worry. First thing came to my mind was my old parents. I didn’t want them to worry. I told Cuong I don’t want to tell my family other than my children. I told them the same day. Sophia could take on well. Nicholas cried. I said to them yes, cry, cry out loud and that is it. We could not cry to solve this. We need to have a calm mind to deal with this. I could not make the situation worse. I needed to be equanimity. Whenever I thought about my parents, I looked at them with equanimity; whenever I thought about my children, I looked at them with equanimity; whenever I thought about my cancer, I looked at it with equanimity. I used my equanimity at work, at night time, driving my car, taking them to school, talking to my boss and meditation. I have tried hard not let my mind bother with worry and uncertainties. I think I have done it because I did not have one single nightmare about my disease. I slept through every single night without a dream unlike Cuong. He turned and turned during the night thinking he is going to lose me since we didn’t know how advance my cancer was.

I started my own vipassana (Insight meditation) retreat on the day I admitted to the hospital. I was mindful to all the things I do. I watched myself closely. On the night before my operation, my surgeon came. He asked: “Do you have any questions?” I said no. He asked: “Ready for tomorrow’s op?” I said yes.

Next day at around 2:30pm I was waiting for my turn to be on the operation table. Dr Leong came. He asked: “Do you have any questions?” I asked him: “What sort of questions do you expect me to ask?” he said most of people at this stage would have lot of questions. I said no. At 3pm. I was on the operation table. He asked me once more do I have any questions. I smiled and ignored him. What does he expect me to ask, I wonder? I wished him shut up and carry on what he needs to do with me.

At around 6pm I heard his voice. He said “No bag for you.” I looked at him but not focus at all. I felt pain. A nurse asked me to press the morphine button which I did. I told myself equanimity. I recited this word in my mind louder than ever. Most of the time it worked but occasionally it did not. Pain was pain and no doubt it was pain. My equanimity failed me. Why? This was because my practice was not strong enough. I only applied this equanimity about 3 weeks in my life. Thay warned me when pain comes; it is most difficult to be equanimity. True, very true indeed. My tummy was like a burning hot iron. The pain was inside and outside. It ate into me. My body was shaking with pain which I had no control. I watched it, part by part. I felt my body sweated after a great pain attack. I hated it when I need to cough or sneeze. You would not know how many tummy muscles we have used for a cough. My cut is right under my belly button downward. It was a nightmare to have a cough during the night. I was mindful nearly on every moment. I was mindful when I go to toilet; I was mindful when I ate; I was mindful when I walk; I was mindful when I had a shower; I was mindful when I speak; I was mindful even on my breathing. Before this operation, I would not watch my internal organs but now I could. I watched a gust of wind from my stomach traveled inch by inch down. I felt my intestine rolling. I felt my big intestine push and contract. Every time it did this, my tummy felt like a piece of hot iron and I sweat like mad.

They removed my morphine on day three. They said I did not need it at all. It was not quite. I had severe pain during the night which they did not know about.

Thay came on day four and coached me again on how to see things around me. I felt good when I saw Thay. He gave me another boot of confident. He asked me to watch my pain as my friend. This body is my friend and my friend is in pain. I watch my friend with loving kindness and compassion. This helped to ease my pain when it attacked me during the night.

This morning my result came and found my cancer was at a very early stage. I rang my mum and told her I lie to her. She cried on the phone. I said I could bounce out of the bed and walk why cry? I am still alive. Yen Khanh, my sister got angry with me because she is the closest sister and closest Dharma friend who walk on the same path since 2000 and knew nothing about my operation. I explained to her and asked for forgiveness. I told them if this is my final stage, I would let everybody know, have a party and say goodbye. I truly did not want my mum to have heart attack before my operation. In that case, I could not have an equanimity mind. My second sister Yen Phuong said I did the right thing. I am glad that she understood. It was hard to keep it as a secret.

My eldest brother came and I had a long talk about chanting sutra and our fortune. He thinks I go to temple and chanting sutra, I should have the best fortune on the world, not to contract with sickness. I gave him a talk on our body and the first noble truth. I gave similar talk to my second brother and his daughter. My niece Janet said: “You are too young, you should not die early.” I laughed and said: “This can happen to anyone regardless with our age beside I am not young.” I was glad they came and I could talk about it. I gave my parents many, many talks about our body and the first noble truth. I hope they can accept the concept and have a peace of mind when things rock up in their way. I told my mum that I knew she loves me dearly but if I need to go before her, she needs to let me go because we have no control of this thing. She cried and nodded. I told Yen Khanh that I was in the Earth hell. People cut me up and took out my intestine (17 cms). It was just like in the Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva Sutra but I was the most fortunate one. Why? I had morphine and Dharma to help me through. I felt so sorry for all the beings in Hell who go through this without any pain killer.

I am so thankful that I have met many kind and supportive people around me, especially people from Thien Trang Hy Xa. When My Hanh and My Lieu presented the card and gifts from the youth group, I felt warm and being loved. They said the whole group wanted to visit me. I was moved but couldn’t imagine how they travel to the city if they all came. Dao’s family came and very supportive. Gosh I don’t know how to repay their kindness.

Now I have reborn, I need to set up my priority right. I need to strengthen my equanimity, not only during my sitting meditation but use in my daily life. Like Thay said make no mistake at the end. I need to watch my speech, thought and action that I would not harm anyone including myself. I need to be more involved into my spiritual path but I don’t know how. I need to tell people around me that I love them. Life is too short and we need to make the most out from it. I am glad I have a second chance.

18/07/2010

My teachers at Throndon High

Mr Peter Mcfarlane
I started writing poems since 1979 in Chinese. As I refugee I saw and experienced every type of suffering imaginable - death, hunger, sickness and many more. The innocence of my youth was lost to the war. It was only through poetry where I could express my anger, sorrow and pain.

On my arrival to Australia I was made to attend six months of a special English class. I was then placed into a main stream school Thorndon High School, now known as Charles Campbell.

I had many fond memories of high school and in particular my English teacher, Peter Mcfarlane. He motivated me to write and express my feelings through writing. He would praise and encourage me each time he saw my poems. He would often say, “How can a little head contain many weird and wonderful ideas?” There was once he asked us to write poem in a class. I wrote a poem called “Do You Believe that a Child can Die in the Middle of the Pacific Ocean?” Upon reading my poem I saw tears swell in his eyes. He sent it off to a publisher and it was published in an anthology called “Someone is flying Balloons”. In 1983 I received a letter from Harford University stating they wanted to use my poem and sent me a cheque. I was so proud and didn’t use the cheque at all. I also received two cheques from the publisher and two free copies of “Someone is flying Balloons”. To me this was one of my biggest achievements in my life.

Here is my poem I would like to share:

Do You Believe that a Child can Die in the Middle of the Pacific Ocean?

Do you believe a child can die 

in the middle of the Pacific Ocean?

His boat in the middle of the ocean

the whole ocean surrounding him

while we have a soft drink 

coffee or beer.

We say this coffee it too sweet

it’s not very good for our health

but he hasn’t even got a cup of sweet coffee

even a drop of water.

His mother’s tears can’t save him.

He looks like a dried tomato.

He holds his little hands tightly.

He dies with his eyes open.

God can’t even save him.

Nobody can save him.

You can hear

the sea wave’s cry and the wind call his name.

You can see

Hell waving to him.

He is dying

without a drop of water.

He is dead

in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

1981

Mr Peter Wilson
Mr Wilson was a very kind and loving teacher. He was my first main stream teacher who taught me year 10 science. I remember him fixing his eyes on me as he taught his lessons trying to find a trace of understanding on my face. Yet it was such a pity that I could not understand anything he taught. One fond memory I have is his lesson on petroleum and how it was formed. After class he came and asked me if I understood his lesson. He found the answer by giving one look into my eyes. He then asked me to follow him to the library where he found a cartoon on petroleum. He sat and watched that tape with me. At the end he asked “Do you understand now?” I nodded and saw a sigh of relief from his face.

Every science lesson, he would check my face to see whether I understood. If I gave a puzzled look then he would stay back with me after school and give me a further explanation. He had great patience in teaching a foreign student like me. To this day I am grateful to have had and met a teacher like him.

Mr Ian Drummond
Mr Drummond was a very special Maths teacher to me. My sister and I had skipped many school years back in Vietnam during our escape so our mathematics was hopeless. We didn’t know what is unknown and how to find the unknown. He spent endless hours after school to coach my sister in year 11 maths. I sat in and listened to his explanations without knowing what he was talking about. Mr Drummond was a very patient teacher.

When I was in year 11, Mr Drummond was my maths I and maths II teacher. All the lectures that he gave my sister suddenly came flooding back. I understood calculus and trigonometry. Upon receiving every test result he would read out my name last. The anticipation made my blood pump so fast as he called it out. He would then give me a cheeky smile. At the end I excelled in year 11 maths and Mr Drummond was very pleased with my results.

One time I had a friend who had the same answers as me for a maths test. He asked me to stay back after class to investigate what had happened. I told him that I had not copied her and if he did not believe me then he should separate us for the next test. In the next test I almost got full marks whilst my friend failed her test. I still remember how angry Mr Drummond was.

Mr Drummond asked me what I want to do after I finish my matriculation. I said I didn’t know. He suggested becoming a mathematician. He gave me inspiration for a vocation I could aspire to.

I thank all great teachers from Thorndon High who helped us to grow and success.

My first love

There was one morning in September 1976, our year 6 homeroom teacher walked in with a new boy. His name was Tran Sinh Duc. (陈称德) He got introduced to us and sat next with my friend Tong Tieng Hung (董进兴). He was a neat looking boy unlike our clothes which was never ironed. All the girls eyed on him and said he was so handsome. I didn’t pay too much attention on the opposite sex at that time. During recess, most of the girls in the class surrounded him just like bees see honey. I was annoyed when my best friend Hua Sieu Kim (许秀金) joined the group of girls. During one lesson in Mathematics, Tong Tieng Hung used a rubber band slingshot to fire some paper made bullets over to the girls’ side. It went passed me and I couldn’t resisted not to return one. So I fired a paper slingshot back to the boys’ side. (In our class, boys sit on the left-hand side and girls sit on the right-hand side.) It went straight to Tran Sinh Duc’s right ear. He wailed out loud and our maths’ teacher, Thay Quang, turned around and asked what happened. He said nothing but with tears in his eyes. All boys thought he was a softy. I went to him after recess and said sorry. He looked at me with dismay expression. That afternoon, I told my childhood friend Phuoc about Tran Sinh Duc. Most of my conversation was on him until Phuoc got sick of it. From then on we greeted each other every morning and I started to notice him. He sure was handsome. I was not the top of the class in Maths but somehow our Maths teacher asked me to assist Tran Sinh Duc. He was a fast learner. He picked things up quickly.

The same year Hua Sieu Kim organized a Christmas party at her house. I got invited. I was excited when I found out that he was going too. When I got there, somehow I got to sit next to him and exchanged gifts with him. I was thrilled. We had a great time. I think I was in love with him. When our eyes met, his face blushed and had a sweet smile. The party went well until my brother-in-law banged on the door. My mum sent him to pick me up early. I got so furious and told him off. That was the last time I’ve seen him. Hua Sieu Kim told me he escaped Vietnam after the party and never heard from him.

My mother

My mother is an ordinary woman yet she has done so many amazing things in her life. Her parents left her only a few days after she was born in 1926. My grandparents had eloped and had run away from their family and country due to their parents’ disapproval. In a small village in South Vietnam they settled in and gave birth to a little girl – Mui. Mui means little sister. However after Mui’s birth my grandparents received the unexpected news that they had been accepted by their parents. They were then summoned back to China to get married. Yet, they were so ashamed of Mui that they decided to leave her in an orphanage in Vietnam. When my grandparents’ neighbor heard that Mui was to be given away they came and asked for the baby. Mui grew up with much love and care in the arms of her adopted parents. According to my adopted grandmother, Mui’s biological mother did come back looking for her when she was two but she was determined not to let Mui go.

When Mui was 16 years old she was married off in an arranged marriage by her parents. She had never met my father before but all girls in the village had said that he was a handsome man. Looking back at past photos my father was unbelievably good looking in his early twenties. You could not even compare his looks to the movie stars at the time. However at the time there was also a young man who was head-over-heels crazy for my mother but her parents had disapproved. He was from a rich family and therefore did not match my mother’s poor social status. I can vaguely remember this man as he came to visit us from time to time just to say hello to my mother.

My mother lived with her mother-in-law for 17 years along with all the hardship that was brought to her. My father’s mother was not a very nice person. She would make my mother suffer similar to the old-time-stories of the evil mother-in-law. My father was a bigamous person and with my two aunties from hell; my mother tried to run away and commit suicide.

After 17 years of marriage my grandma passed away. My mother finally saw her own earnings and her status within the household. At that time she had two girls, my eldest sister Nhung and my second sister Fong, and two boys, my eldest brother Kong and second brother Sing. My father’s business was growing day to day. By the time Hing and I were born his business was one of the top thriving businesses in Vietnam.

As I mentioned in the article ‘Escape from Vietnam’, my father only invested his money in the bank and his machineries. It was so lucky that my mother had saved her money through buying gold. Without her we wouldn’t be where we are today.

As far as I remember, whenever I got home from school, I always saw my mother unlike children in Australia. Nowadays children either go to after school hours care or get picked up by their grandparents. When I came home after school I would embrace her and sneakily ask her for money to buy junk food. She has never said no to me except for the time I was offered my first job in Canberra. At the time she wouldn’t let me go take the job unless I was married. She never compares her children with anyone and I am very grateful for this. There was once when I played cards on the street. She walked pass and saw me. She seized me and dragged me home. She said in a very serious voice: “Gambling is not good for you. I don’t want you to gamble.” From that minute onwards, I did not dare to gamble.

She never gave us pressure to do well in our studies. I remembered when I had to repeat grade 5. My father said: “I know going to school is hard and I can understand this. Don’t get upset and try to pass next year.” My mother said: “Yes, try hard next year.” That was it, no punishment or harsh words. When we passed our year level, my mother would pay gratitude to Buddha.

My mother has a big heart. A strong memory I have is that she often took us to orphanages, Buddhist temples, leprosy villages and nursing home to do charity. Whenever she hears people suffering, she will lend her helping hand; whenever people need her, she will be there for them. She has imprinted the importance of charity and toleration in my life. Yet to this day, I still cannot live according to this word of ‘toleration’ as I am still learning.

My mother loves her children more than herself. She helped me to look after my two children while I was working fulltime. She cooked for us most of the time until last year when she was unable to look after herself. Although she is now 86 years old and I am 50 years old. In her eyes I am still her little baby.

I am grateful to have her as my mother. Fortunately we do not have a generation gap between us. We can talk about almost anything. I am so grateful to have a mother like her. When I look into the mirror, I see her in me. I truly blessed to still have both my parents at this age. 

Journey to my Heart

Vipassana 10-days retreat

10/12/2006-21/12/2006

The day before I started my retreat, I left all my contact details with my two kids and told them: "Only contact me when and if there is an emergency." My 12-years-old son asked: "Should I contact you when Donut (our family dog) die?" "No!" I said. He then asked: "Should someone contact you if I pass away?" "No son, it has no point because you have already dead by the time I come back." I said. "Oh, then there isn't any emergency, is there?" He then asked. "No, not really!" I replied. I was determining this time but when I think about the way I had to drive there ~ more than 80 kms away from where I live ~ I was afraid. I never drive there alone by myself but this time, I had to. I was nervous all the way but determine to do so. Beside to the things I mentioned above, inside my mind I had doubts. I doubted I couldn't wake up that early in the morning; I doubted I couldn't sit for that long; I doubt others couldn't keep their own silent but one thing though Vipassana is so attractive to me. I couldn't resist not going.

On Sunday the 10th of December, I was fully packed and ready to go by 9am but the course instruction said I have to be there between 4:30pm and 6pm. I prepared a lunch feast for my family. I left my house at 2pm. I didn’t want to leave that early but my brother-in-law Meng meng was playing up. He started to talk nonsense about my retreat. I quickly said goodbye to my kids and husband. He was in the toilet and didn't want to see me at all. So I left the house and was relief. I drove myself there with great care and let all the cars passed me. I was there at around 3:45pm. I saw people started setting up for the retreat and I was in my car feeling ~ this is it! Here I come. I got myself registered and got allocated a bed ~ ‘House-6’ bed number 7. I got to ‘House-6’ and saw two women organised the numbering and name tags on each bed. One woman ~ Sheela the organiser ~ told me I couldn't have bed-7 because I was a new student. She gave me a top bunk bed-4. I settled in and found myself couldn't get down from the top bunk. There were two reasons ~ one I was afraid of height and second my body weight made me difficult to get down. But I told myself: “Come on, you come here to conquer yourself and now you started complaining.” So I sat on my bunk and sooth myself down with my own fear. Then a young girl came and put all her gears blocking the ladder. Let alone my own difficulties to get down and now I had one more ~ I had to jump off from the ladder if not I then landed on her bags. I was panic and discovered there were some empty beds still available. I went to see Sheela and told her my phobia. She told me I had to ask the teacher for this. I asked: "Who is the teacher here?" She looked at me for a while and went. I said to myself: "Look, you are a trouble maker. You come here to learn how to tolerate and conquer yourself. I am quite disappointed with you." I had to laugh out loud that I was started feeling miserable.

By 6pm we all gather in the dining hall and the light dinner was serve ~ yummy pumpkin soup with toasts. After food, a man called Steve gave a talk and played a cassette tape to tell us some instructions. Then we had to separate into two groups ~ male and female. Each group had their own boundaries ~ except there was a dog which he could go to both boundaries. Each group issued a manager and our manager ~ Hanna ~ took us on and gave us a tour around. I got called aside and Sheela told me I could have the lower bunk ~bed-7. I smiled and thought wow bed-7. It was originally assigned to me and now it came back to me. I sincere thanked Sheela for this and happily moved myself to bed-7. Bed-7 was in a private room containing two bunk beds. What a little trauma I had. I was excited and delighted. I was ready for the retreat. After the tour, we got to the meditation hall and issued a seat. The teacher came. She was a middle aged woman. She looked serious but kind and slim build. Her name was Janet. She played a CD for us. There came an old man's voice which took us through taking refuge to Triple Gems, Five Precepts for the new students and Eight Precepts for the old students. I quietly took the Eight Precepts instead of Five Precepts although I was a new student to Vipassana. He then told us how we go about Anapanna meditation for tomorrow and the noble silent started. This man was Mr Goenka. After all these we went back to our bunk.

Below was our timetable for the retreat:

Course Timetable
4am Wake-up bell
4:30-6:30am Meditate in the Hall or in your room
6:30-8:00am Breakfast break
8:00-9:00am Group meditate in the Hall
9:00-11:00am Meditate in the Hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions
11:00-12:00noon Lunch break
12:00-1:00pm Rest or interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30pm Meditate in the Hall or in your room
2:30-3:30pm Group meditate in the Hall
3:30-5:00pm Meditate in the Hall or in your room
5:00-6:00pm Tea break
6:00-7:00pm Group meditate in the Hall
7:00-8:15pm Teacher's discourse in the Hall
8:15-9:00pm Group meditate in the Hall
9:00-9:30pm Question time in the Hall
9:30pm Retire to your own room.

Day 1
At 4am sharp someone rang the bell and I popped up immediately. I had a shower to wake up my body. I went to the Hall and found there were quiet a lot of people. We began with chanting followed with some instructions on how to observe on my incoming and out going breathe ~ only in a small area from the nostrils and inside of our nostrils. I was the lucky one. I could feel my breath straight away. I put all my focus on it ~ in and out; in and out then my other thoughts came. They were about all the past things and future things that were not even happen yet. I told myself: “I am an observer and my job here is just to observe, nothing else except observing my breaths.” The first hour went by then came the second. I started to feel pain on my legs. I started to notice my left face had some sort of numbness feeling but I could take it. I also had noticed I used my left nostril to breath instead of both. It was quite interesting why my left and not my right. Anyway I didn't force to breath using my right nostril because the instructions said so ~ “Just observe the natural breathe, pure breathe and it doesn't matter it's shadow, heavy, left, right or both nostrils.” We had to remember to watch it as it is from moment to moment, not as what we want it to be. I had noticed not only I used my left nostril, I noticed the air came into my left ear, hit my ear drum before it went down to my body. I could hear my own breathing was so loud.

Breakfast break had arrived after two hard hours of observing my own breath and I was delighted to find out there were some hot oatmeal, cooked sugar-plums, toasts, an array of fruit-jams, honey and some fresh fruits. I love their herbal teas. After breakfast I went to have a power nap. I was refreshed and ready for the second lot of meditation.

Lunch was good we had spaghettis with lentils sauce and salads. It was delicious. By the time I finished my lunch I was ready for another power nap.

After the 3:30pm group meditation in the hall, all new students had been sent back to our room to do further meditation. So we went but the result was horrible, why? I felt asleep in my bed. I was not sure for other people but I could hear snoring everywhere. I told myself I would never meditate in my own room. Time went pretty fast and I found myself into the Teacher's discourse. It was about Universal Dharma, taught on suffering but majority was on the Five Precepts. I enjoyed it so much. The terms and theories about Dharma matched exactly with what I have learned. I could take them all in straight away. I was delighted. I slept very well that night and felt I didn't come to the wrong place.

Day 2
First day was hard but I made it through into my second day. I had established into a routine by now. Today we observed the touch of our breath. Again I was lucky that I could feel the touch of my breath straight away. Today I felt I breathe through my right nostril and sometimes I did breathe through both of my nostrils. I was quite amaze about this technique which I could focus my mind quite quickly unlike with my counting breathe technique ~ I lose count then fall into sleep easily.

Breakfast was similar to yesterday but lunch was another wow. It was curry potatoes (sweet and normal potatoes) served with salads, India long grain rice and lentils. Dessert was some sort of muffin like cake. It was so delicious. I had my usual after lunch nap and was ready for the after lunch meditation.

The teacher called each of the new students to the front and asked each of us whether we could feel our breath. I told her yes. When I was about at 5pm I felt I was so sleepy so I stopped there and went back to my room sleep instead. I felt so guilty after this and told myself never ever again. Time is so precious and I wasted my own time. The discourse was about vipassana, sila, Samadhi and panna. Teacher Goenka never made his talk boring. It received lots of laughter from the audients. I did laughed out loud few times and realised I should behaved myself in the Hall.

Day 3
Today I was more confident than before but I started with a severe back-pain. I sat against the wall and felt relief for my back-pain. One session passed and the teacher sent our manager Hanna to tell me to sit away from the wall. She said it would be better for me to work with my pain. There were many students did what I've done but didn't get told off. I was grateful that the assistance teacher asked me because by this way I had to face my own pain. Surprisingly in the afternoon my back pain had gone. Our meditation technique was the same as yesterday. I was quite comfortable with the technique and sitting.

Every lunch was a surprise in this retreat. Today's lunch was baked-spinach-rice-slice with salad. I watched what I ate and not dared to be greedy since I knew the result with a full stomach during meditation was hard to concentrate.

What a pity that I couldn't remembered today’s discourse.

Day 4
Day 4 was the most exciting day of all. Today I had been told we were going to start Vipassana meditation. Well the two morning sessions had gone by and the afternoon session approached. I was still waiting. During the afternoon session the teacher again asked all the new students came to the front and asked whether we could feel the touch of our breath. Again I said yes. After the afternoon group meditation at the Hall, we had told if our desire to go to toilet then go now because the next two hours wouldn't be allow to get out of the hall. Of course everyone took this opportunity for a short break. We came back to the hall and the teaching started. Teacher Goenka started going through the instructions with us. This time we directed our attention straight to the top of our head. Amazingly I could feel the top of my head's sensation. I was so excited. We had to scan/survey our whole body's sensations from top of our head to the tip of our toes with total awareness and attentively. Whenever I directed my attention to a particular part of my body, I could feel the sensation in that area. We had to do this remain equanimous with all the sensations that we experience whether pleasant, unpleasant or blind area which we couldn't feel any sensation at all for that particular area, by keeping in mind the law of nature ~ changing, impermanence and non-self. We were asked to sit still not to change our posture for an hour. This was the murder for most of the students. My legs and my lower back were killing me. They were so painful and I thought I was going to faint. I told myself : “Look, Buddha sat under the Bodhi tree and vowed not to get up until he enlightened. For me, my requirement was only one hour and I was thinking to quit. What a weak mind I had!” I told myself I could do better than this. I kept telling my legs when I scan through my body this soon will pass ~ anicca! Ah I didn't mention about my left face on the second and third day because it was tolerable but today my real sensation had been woken up by paying total awareness on my face. It was like someone smashed my left face, hard pushed and twisted. The pain was so intensify. Every time I went by and observed with total equanimity. I didn't sleep well because I was eagerly practising the technique in bed. The discourse for tonight was on the Eightfold Paths and the Four Noble Truths.

Lunch for today was baked tofu with rice and tomatoes sauce. There would always be salad to go with all the lunchtime meals.

Day 5
I thought today I should be tired because of little hours of sleeping from last night and fortunately I was full of energy. The more I watched my sensations, the more I was amazed how my sensations were. My left face had the same sensation as yesterday. It started to get annoy but I observed it objectively. I told myself: “Anicca!” Today I could sit still without changing my posture for an hour. I was feeling tremendously success. I wanted to do a sun dance ~ dance around with my arms up and down.

Lunch ~ sighed! ~ it was vegetarian shepherd pie. Gosh it was so delicious!

The discourse for tonight was on suffering, the 12 conditions and 5 aggregates. He also recited the words after prince Siddhartha enlightened.

During afternoon's meditation session somehow the Heart Sutra was popped up in my mind and I saw every single word was so clear to me as I observed my sensations. Every single word in this sutra is talking about the things I experienced. I was so excited and continue observed my sensations. I could see these five aggregates are also fallen into this stream of sensations which can be experience as anicca and anatta. Our body can be seen as this stream of sensations and from this stream of sensations, we see our body. My eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind meet see, hear, smell, taste, feel and thought also come to this streams of sensations. All things from this universe have the same stream of sensations. It has no beginning and no ending. It just flows on. If we could understand this simple stream of sensations and we are not attach to this non-material like of sensations then we can come out from our own miseries. No wonder why Guan-Yin and Buddha could maintain their Dharma joys because they understand this and not attach. I was over joy to discover the Heart Sutra is within us. I could not sleep that night. I was over joy.

Day 6
Day 6 was just an ordinary day. I thought I would be tired due to no sleep last night but it went away quickly with my total attention and awareness on my sensations. Today we had to observe our sensations from top to toes and from toes to top. I had no trouble with this at all.

We had peanut sauce with boiled-rice and mixed with boiled and baked vegetables. We had raw beetroot and carrots for salad.

Discourse was on craving, sankhara and the five enemies for a meditator. Today somehow I had this word sankhara in my mind through the day.

Day 7
Today we had to observe our body sensations not part by part of our body but move our attention simultaneously and symmetrically from top to toes and from toes to top. Today was the most unbearable one. My thoughts kept come in and go. I couldn't concentrate at all. I kept telling myself during my meditation that I was an observer, not a planner, stories teller, future predictor and history researcher. I should always observe instead of thinking the things had happened and not happen. I was irritable and restlessness. My left face's pain was so intensify. The teacher again asked all the new students on the equanimous. I told the teacher I had no problem with my equanimous but I had this pain on my left face and I did had few times during my meditation that my top body as light as feather and my bottom part was all numb. She asked me to come to see her at 12noon. I did and found the answers were the same as I had ~ all sensations are anicca and they will eventually go away. Oh well, I missed my after lunch nap and thought I might fell into sleep during the after lunch meditation session. I told myself I should meditate in my own room so that I could catch up with my nap but my other side of mind said: “No, today is day 7 and I haven’t got much time left. I have already wasted this morning. I could not afford to waste anymore.” I sat through the afternoon session without much complication. I was delighted.

Lunch time for today was baked-chickpeas slice with salad. We had carrot cakes for dessert. I wonder as the cook knew about chickpeas would produce lots of gas in the stomach. That afternoon people were farting and burping lots. I did the same thing but fortunately that I could express my gas silently into the sitting cushion unlike the girl behind me who made a long series of bubbling farting. Funny enough there were no body laugh! The boys at the other side of the hall also farted heavily.

Oh yes, I forgot to talk about the girl who sat behind me. During these 10 days retreat, whenever she stretched herself she kicked my bum. The assistance teacher observed that and asked our manager to tell her off. She was one ear in and another out. She also put on some sort of perfume that I nearly passed out. She was a sleep-talk person and she talked out loud at night during her sleep. My meditation word for today was anicca.

Tonight's discourse was on five friends for meditator. Don't ask me who are they because I only remembered the first one ~ faith.

Day 8
Today was alright. I was back to my 'normal' calm mind. We had been told that we had to sweep through our body sensations. It was hard to sweep through without a free flow. I didn't have free flow at all. This free flow must be the one Sumedha Bhante was talking about. He told me he had free flow like cool running water coming from the top of his head to his feet. Anyway I tried my best to do so as I told the assistant teacher.

Today's lunch was baked-spinach-macaronies with baked zucchinis.

My meditation word was equanimous. Tonight's discourse was on being awareness and equanimous; how to get rid of our old sankharas, cause and effect; and the conditions with our sankhara.

Day 9
Times went by quickly and today was the 9th day. Today I actually felt part of my body could have free flow of sensations. They travelled in a great velocity. Most of these free flow sensations liked the electric current ~ zap through the body. Funny though I didn't think they gave me the pleasant sensation but I didn't care. As long as I could sweep through my sensation I was happy. My left face still agony with great pain. Teacher Goenka said if any part of the body has this kind of solidity unpleasant sensations then we couldn't get a free flow through the whole body. That would be alright because I knew eventually my time would come if I continue practise. I didn't feel depress or negative feeling about I was a loser. Perhaps I had a mind of not looking for things during this retreat. Well I was pleased I did have part of free flow. The best things were I could observe both pleasant and unpleasant sensations at the same time which I should not grow myself into craving and aversion. I was a lucky one.

Tonight's discourse was on how to use vipassana in our daily life and the ten parami. Ha! This 10 parami which I could remember: Renunciation, sila, effort, tolerance, truthfulness, strong determination, wisdom, equanimity, selfless love and generosity. Tell you a secret I've got these from the booklet I've got at the end of the course. I didn't sleep well tonight because of the girl behind me spoke so loud in her dream again but I didn't wasted my time. I used it on my meditation. My meditation words for today were dukkha and anatta.

Day 10
Today we were going to close the noble silent thingy. We had been taught the metta meditation and didn't do much meditation as the previous 9 days. Wow you just couldn't believe once the noble silent had been taken off people started to chat vigorously. I didn't feel like talking but people approached me. They all interested in finding my experience. I told them I had no secret at all. They said I did well and called me super woman because I could sit through all my meditation sessions for these 10 days with my back straight and didn't change my posture. One of the girls from Darwin told me she only meditated 3 hours per day because these 3 hours were compulsory. She told me that she hitch-hiked her way from Darwin to Adelaide. She told me she had problem with her husband, etc. etc. which I had no interested. There were one kindergarten teacher and one primary school teacher. The kindergarten teacher had 3 children. She was coming from Italian background and was loaded with heavy catholic teaching. She loved the Dharma she had learnt from these 10 days and would like her kids to take some short course. The other teacher found Buddha's teaching was amazing and would like to pursuer further. I was so happy and willing to help them if they need help in the intellectual level. I could supply them web sites to read more on Buddhism. One India lady from Hindu background and found the Dharma was fascinating. They were all happy with the teachings and the philosophy in Buddhism. Some old students were trying to explain to the new students about the concepts. I heard lot of conversations about their stories and all of them were full of miseries. I felt pity for them and hope that from these 10 days they could get some happiness or know how to get out from miseries quicker than before. I just couldn't concentrated in the after lunch meditation with all these conversations in my head. I agreed with Goenka that chatting doesn't go well with meditation ~ silence is a must. In the evening I told myself: “Look, I have no time to do serious meditation at home if I don’t make use of the left hours in here.” I went straight into Samadhi and went through my one hour meditation before the discourse. The discourse was about how to practise Vipassana at home and the benefit of metta meditation. I didn't sleep well at all with a mosquito in my ears all the time. It was a hot night. I wore as little clothes as possible. I woke up at 2am and I couldn't do any meditation at all. My family’s faces came one by one into my mind liked a movie preview. I lost my equanimous.

We had pizza for lunch today.

Day 11
I woke up at 2am as I mention it before. I had a shower then packed my stuff. We had to listen to some chanting by teacher Goenka then followed his discourse. Each word he said was full of compassion. I wanted to give him my hug for appreciation. I wanted to offer a thunder egg for the assistant teacher to show her these 10 days I found my jewels but she refused to take it. Oh well I didn't persist. She told me if I had gratitude for her I should walk/follow the path. I thanked her and blessed her in my heart.

I had a wonderful breakfast today ~ Kheer and chai. I think I had developed not to be greedy. I didn't over eat myself out. It was delicious. I still would feel the smell and tasted in my teeth while I am typing this. Anyway I stayed back to help out to clean the meditation hall and other odd jobs. I left the place at around 8:30am. I was very nervous to drive my car and I drove with care ~ slowly. I let all cars passed me and I made home safely. I went to my parents’ place first to tell them I arrived home. I then went home after a quick chat. I got home and both of my kids ran to welcome me. My girl told me she had a merit for her year-12 specialist maths. I was delighted. I kissed them all and was jumping up and down with them to celebrate Sophia's merit. My Donut jumped and licked all over me for more than 20 minutes. I was so moved that they all missed me that much. I was tired but went out to have lunch with my family. I was hoping I could bake some vegetarian shepherd pie for them unfortunately we had no potatoes left in our pantry. I ended up with baked-spinach-macaronis. They were happy with their dinner. Tonight I didn't do any meditation at all. I know I am lazy but there were so many things to catch up with.

My best companion Nicholas

When I knew I was going to have a second child, I thought that I could not give my love to you. It was simply because I thought that I have given all my love to your sister Sophia. I could not imagine how I was going to handle that situation. It was a dilemma.

But when I first saw you, I fell in love with you straight away. I love your little button nose and your dimple. Everything about you looked so perfect and still looks so perfect. My fear disappeared instantly. Thank goodness for that.

Being with you is the most wonderful thing on this world. You are the best travel companion. You and I have been to so many trips together. We went to India, Nepal, Vietnam, Singapore, England, Italy and many more countries. Whenever I couldn’t close my suitcase, I would call you to come help. You would go away and pack my suitcase neat and tidy. Whenever I got lost, you were my life compass. It was absolutely amazing how you had such a good memory of the places we had been before. I still remember the first time you took me around Ho Chi Minh City to look for a bookshop when you were seven years old because your uncle had took you there once before. The second time was in India, we got lost in busy Mumbai city in 2007. You took a group of people back to the hotel which no taxi/car could go through at that time. You were only 13 years old. I don't think I can conjure what goes on in that brilliant mind of yours.

In our recent trip to Nepal 2 weeks ago, you found the hotel where we stayed 4 years ago. You and I walked through most of the alleys in Thamel – Kathmandu to look for the baby Buddha statue that we saw four years ago and I was so obsessed. You were determined to search it for me. We went up and down the streets in a tirelessness search for it. Finally on our second last day at Nepal, few shops away from our hotel, you saw a shop that had not been opened and now opened on that particular day. You said mum that is the shop. We saw a little baby Buddha status was on the shelf. That was it. We have found the little baby Buddha four years ago that I should have purchased.

You and your sister are my best companions on our spiritual path. Through you I have learnt so much and no doubt will continue to learn much more. I see myself in you. You have taught me tolerance, acceptance, compassion, loving kindness and how to let go. The reason for you being vegetarian was we should all learn – feel the pain for other beings. You are my Bodhisattva.

I don’t always speak the words ‘I love you’ in front of you but you know that you are my sweet heart. You mean so much to me. No matter what you do and who you are and will become, you have my love and support. I am truly proud of you.

Whenever I feel low, I will try to think about you and your sister, because you both make me laugh and happy. I am so happy that I have a son like you. I had no regret that I have been through all the hardship to bring you up. I love you my son.

Love your mama

A letter to my nui nui

Dear nui nui,
 
This is really a tough task for me to write you a letter. Well, we often use emails and poems to communicate. But for this one, I don't really know what to tell you since we have shared most of our feelings and stories that has happened in our lives. We have shared our darkest secrets and all our laughter. We have so many special moments that we shared. I thank God for giving me you. I thank you for letting me look over your internet chatting, and from time to time, you let me drop a 'hello' on your friends' chat rooms to frighten them off. I have great fun. I wonder how many kids will allow their parents to chat with their friends in the chat room and read their conversations.

I think I have told you this before - I was in love with you before you were born. I separated with your dad at the time when I found I was pregnant. My GP told me if my marriage was not happy than he could do something for my pregnancy. I said never, I wanted this child no matter what happened to my marriage. Fortunately everything worked out the way it should.
 
Although it took me 26 hours before I could meet you face to face, it was well worth it. You looked so cute. I thank God for sending me this little angel to me. When you were in your early years, you had reflux and eczema all over your tiny little body. As a first time mum I worried like hell. Sorry to use this word but you can see how worried I was. Why were other babies' skin so smooth and mine was just like a crocodile skin! What had happened to my little angel? I took you to visit numerous GPs and local nurses. They all said it would go away when you turn one. So I patiently wait until you reached one year old. I took you back to our GP. He said the eczema would go away when you turn five. We waited on and by five the eczema was still there. Many times we visited our GP and specialist, the outcome was eczema would be with my little angel for life. Why am I telling you this in here? Although we have had many hard times together but I still enjoy being your mama.
 
Through your 17 years, you have taught me to be patient and tolerant. You have taught me LOVE. You have challenged me to do my master course, if you can still remember. You asked me to teach you how to build web pages in year 4. I went through all the html tags with you and you said "Oh mum, can't you use something much simpler than these tags." I said "Like what?" You then said "Why can't we use composer?" At that minute, I told myself I need to go back to school so I did my masters in multimedia just to keep myself up to date for you.
 
I was thrilled when you had your first job at the Athelstone Kumon tuition centre at the age of 14 years old. You have kept your job ever since. Last week couple of kids came to me and said "Sophia is a legend. Everybody wants her help at the Kumon centre." You just don't know how proud I was.
 
I can't see much of myself in you. Your perseverance, hard-working attitude, high aims and love for others truly amazes me. I often ask myself what I have done to have a daughter like you. It is truly amazing to see your eagerness to learn new things and willing to take up challenges. I remembered when you were 6 years old. I took you to a Chinese poem competition. People had recited that poem for more than one term and you just got there and learnt it for only one week. I asked you: "Are you sure you can make it?" You said to me: "Mum, it's only 10 lines." You came second in that competition. I was amazed with your confidence.

I am so proud of you that you are determined to succeed in your studies and other things in life. You embark professionally and full of enthusiasm on all tasks you have received from school and from us. I hope you do well in your exams and enjoy whatever comes in your way this summer holiday! Hope you enjoy your Kiaros retreat and find whatever you need to find from this retreat. So what can I say about my dear nuinui. Well, I am going to use our usual way of communication by writing you a poem.
 
Best to have you when we travel
You are the quickest live calculator I can get
Doing all the conversions and calculations
 
Best to have you when my impure mind arises
You are there to remind me the right and the wrong
People might think how odd? Well we learn things from each other
Guide me out of the corner and set me straight
 
Best to have you when we eat icecream
You are there to help me out
Finish up with whatever flavours I have in my cup
 
Best to have you when your brother is trouble
You will be there to help him out
Coach him in maths and other things in life
 
The best of all
You are my joy


Love ya, your mama