Journey to my Heart

Vipassana 10-days retreat

10/12/2006-21/12/2006

The day before I started my retreat, I left all my contact details with my two kids and told them: "Only contact me when and if there is an emergency." My 12-years-old son asked: "Should I contact you when Donut (our family dog) die?" "No!" I said. He then asked: "Should someone contact you if I pass away?" "No son, it has no point because you have already dead by the time I come back." I said. "Oh, then there isn't any emergency, is there?" He then asked. "No, not really!" I replied. I was determining this time but when I think about the way I had to drive there ~ more than 80 kms away from where I live ~ I was afraid. I never drive there alone by myself but this time, I had to. I was nervous all the way but determine to do so. Beside to the things I mentioned above, inside my mind I had doubts. I doubted I couldn't wake up that early in the morning; I doubted I couldn't sit for that long; I doubt others couldn't keep their own silent but one thing though Vipassana is so attractive to me. I couldn't resist not going.

On Sunday the 10th of December, I was fully packed and ready to go by 9am but the course instruction said I have to be there between 4:30pm and 6pm. I prepared a lunch feast for my family. I left my house at 2pm. I didn’t want to leave that early but my brother-in-law Meng meng was playing up. He started to talk nonsense about my retreat. I quickly said goodbye to my kids and husband. He was in the toilet and didn't want to see me at all. So I left the house and was relief. I drove myself there with great care and let all the cars passed me. I was there at around 3:45pm. I saw people started setting up for the retreat and I was in my car feeling ~ this is it! Here I come. I got myself registered and got allocated a bed ~ ‘House-6’ bed number 7. I got to ‘House-6’ and saw two women organised the numbering and name tags on each bed. One woman ~ Sheela the organiser ~ told me I couldn't have bed-7 because I was a new student. She gave me a top bunk bed-4. I settled in and found myself couldn't get down from the top bunk. There were two reasons ~ one I was afraid of height and second my body weight made me difficult to get down. But I told myself: “Come on, you come here to conquer yourself and now you started complaining.” So I sat on my bunk and sooth myself down with my own fear. Then a young girl came and put all her gears blocking the ladder. Let alone my own difficulties to get down and now I had one more ~ I had to jump off from the ladder if not I then landed on her bags. I was panic and discovered there were some empty beds still available. I went to see Sheela and told her my phobia. She told me I had to ask the teacher for this. I asked: "Who is the teacher here?" She looked at me for a while and went. I said to myself: "Look, you are a trouble maker. You come here to learn how to tolerate and conquer yourself. I am quite disappointed with you." I had to laugh out loud that I was started feeling miserable.

By 6pm we all gather in the dining hall and the light dinner was serve ~ yummy pumpkin soup with toasts. After food, a man called Steve gave a talk and played a cassette tape to tell us some instructions. Then we had to separate into two groups ~ male and female. Each group had their own boundaries ~ except there was a dog which he could go to both boundaries. Each group issued a manager and our manager ~ Hanna ~ took us on and gave us a tour around. I got called aside and Sheela told me I could have the lower bunk ~bed-7. I smiled and thought wow bed-7. It was originally assigned to me and now it came back to me. I sincere thanked Sheela for this and happily moved myself to bed-7. Bed-7 was in a private room containing two bunk beds. What a little trauma I had. I was excited and delighted. I was ready for the retreat. After the tour, we got to the meditation hall and issued a seat. The teacher came. She was a middle aged woman. She looked serious but kind and slim build. Her name was Janet. She played a CD for us. There came an old man's voice which took us through taking refuge to Triple Gems, Five Precepts for the new students and Eight Precepts for the old students. I quietly took the Eight Precepts instead of Five Precepts although I was a new student to Vipassana. He then told us how we go about Anapanna meditation for tomorrow and the noble silent started. This man was Mr Goenka. After all these we went back to our bunk.

Below was our timetable for the retreat:

Course Timetable
4am Wake-up bell
4:30-6:30am Meditate in the Hall or in your room
6:30-8:00am Breakfast break
8:00-9:00am Group meditate in the Hall
9:00-11:00am Meditate in the Hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions
11:00-12:00noon Lunch break
12:00-1:00pm Rest or interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30pm Meditate in the Hall or in your room
2:30-3:30pm Group meditate in the Hall
3:30-5:00pm Meditate in the Hall or in your room
5:00-6:00pm Tea break
6:00-7:00pm Group meditate in the Hall
7:00-8:15pm Teacher's discourse in the Hall
8:15-9:00pm Group meditate in the Hall
9:00-9:30pm Question time in the Hall
9:30pm Retire to your own room.

Day 1
At 4am sharp someone rang the bell and I popped up immediately. I had a shower to wake up my body. I went to the Hall and found there were quiet a lot of people. We began with chanting followed with some instructions on how to observe on my incoming and out going breathe ~ only in a small area from the nostrils and inside of our nostrils. I was the lucky one. I could feel my breath straight away. I put all my focus on it ~ in and out; in and out then my other thoughts came. They were about all the past things and future things that were not even happen yet. I told myself: “I am an observer and my job here is just to observe, nothing else except observing my breaths.” The first hour went by then came the second. I started to feel pain on my legs. I started to notice my left face had some sort of numbness feeling but I could take it. I also had noticed I used my left nostril to breath instead of both. It was quite interesting why my left and not my right. Anyway I didn't force to breath using my right nostril because the instructions said so ~ “Just observe the natural breathe, pure breathe and it doesn't matter it's shadow, heavy, left, right or both nostrils.” We had to remember to watch it as it is from moment to moment, not as what we want it to be. I had noticed not only I used my left nostril, I noticed the air came into my left ear, hit my ear drum before it went down to my body. I could hear my own breathing was so loud.

Breakfast break had arrived after two hard hours of observing my own breath and I was delighted to find out there were some hot oatmeal, cooked sugar-plums, toasts, an array of fruit-jams, honey and some fresh fruits. I love their herbal teas. After breakfast I went to have a power nap. I was refreshed and ready for the second lot of meditation.

Lunch was good we had spaghettis with lentils sauce and salads. It was delicious. By the time I finished my lunch I was ready for another power nap.

After the 3:30pm group meditation in the hall, all new students had been sent back to our room to do further meditation. So we went but the result was horrible, why? I felt asleep in my bed. I was not sure for other people but I could hear snoring everywhere. I told myself I would never meditate in my own room. Time went pretty fast and I found myself into the Teacher's discourse. It was about Universal Dharma, taught on suffering but majority was on the Five Precepts. I enjoyed it so much. The terms and theories about Dharma matched exactly with what I have learned. I could take them all in straight away. I was delighted. I slept very well that night and felt I didn't come to the wrong place.

Day 2
First day was hard but I made it through into my second day. I had established into a routine by now. Today we observed the touch of our breath. Again I was lucky that I could feel the touch of my breath straight away. Today I felt I breathe through my right nostril and sometimes I did breathe through both of my nostrils. I was quite amaze about this technique which I could focus my mind quite quickly unlike with my counting breathe technique ~ I lose count then fall into sleep easily.

Breakfast was similar to yesterday but lunch was another wow. It was curry potatoes (sweet and normal potatoes) served with salads, India long grain rice and lentils. Dessert was some sort of muffin like cake. It was so delicious. I had my usual after lunch nap and was ready for the after lunch meditation.

The teacher called each of the new students to the front and asked each of us whether we could feel our breath. I told her yes. When I was about at 5pm I felt I was so sleepy so I stopped there and went back to my room sleep instead. I felt so guilty after this and told myself never ever again. Time is so precious and I wasted my own time. The discourse was about vipassana, sila, Samadhi and panna. Teacher Goenka never made his talk boring. It received lots of laughter from the audients. I did laughed out loud few times and realised I should behaved myself in the Hall.

Day 3
Today I was more confident than before but I started with a severe back-pain. I sat against the wall and felt relief for my back-pain. One session passed and the teacher sent our manager Hanna to tell me to sit away from the wall. She said it would be better for me to work with my pain. There were many students did what I've done but didn't get told off. I was grateful that the assistance teacher asked me because by this way I had to face my own pain. Surprisingly in the afternoon my back pain had gone. Our meditation technique was the same as yesterday. I was quite comfortable with the technique and sitting.

Every lunch was a surprise in this retreat. Today's lunch was baked-spinach-rice-slice with salad. I watched what I ate and not dared to be greedy since I knew the result with a full stomach during meditation was hard to concentrate.

What a pity that I couldn't remembered today’s discourse.

Day 4
Day 4 was the most exciting day of all. Today I had been told we were going to start Vipassana meditation. Well the two morning sessions had gone by and the afternoon session approached. I was still waiting. During the afternoon session the teacher again asked all the new students came to the front and asked whether we could feel the touch of our breath. Again I said yes. After the afternoon group meditation at the Hall, we had told if our desire to go to toilet then go now because the next two hours wouldn't be allow to get out of the hall. Of course everyone took this opportunity for a short break. We came back to the hall and the teaching started. Teacher Goenka started going through the instructions with us. This time we directed our attention straight to the top of our head. Amazingly I could feel the top of my head's sensation. I was so excited. We had to scan/survey our whole body's sensations from top of our head to the tip of our toes with total awareness and attentively. Whenever I directed my attention to a particular part of my body, I could feel the sensation in that area. We had to do this remain equanimous with all the sensations that we experience whether pleasant, unpleasant or blind area which we couldn't feel any sensation at all for that particular area, by keeping in mind the law of nature ~ changing, impermanence and non-self. We were asked to sit still not to change our posture for an hour. This was the murder for most of the students. My legs and my lower back were killing me. They were so painful and I thought I was going to faint. I told myself : “Look, Buddha sat under the Bodhi tree and vowed not to get up until he enlightened. For me, my requirement was only one hour and I was thinking to quit. What a weak mind I had!” I told myself I could do better than this. I kept telling my legs when I scan through my body this soon will pass ~ anicca! Ah I didn't mention about my left face on the second and third day because it was tolerable but today my real sensation had been woken up by paying total awareness on my face. It was like someone smashed my left face, hard pushed and twisted. The pain was so intensify. Every time I went by and observed with total equanimity. I didn't sleep well because I was eagerly practising the technique in bed. The discourse for tonight was on the Eightfold Paths and the Four Noble Truths.

Lunch for today was baked tofu with rice and tomatoes sauce. There would always be salad to go with all the lunchtime meals.

Day 5
I thought today I should be tired because of little hours of sleeping from last night and fortunately I was full of energy. The more I watched my sensations, the more I was amazed how my sensations were. My left face had the same sensation as yesterday. It started to get annoy but I observed it objectively. I told myself: “Anicca!” Today I could sit still without changing my posture for an hour. I was feeling tremendously success. I wanted to do a sun dance ~ dance around with my arms up and down.

Lunch ~ sighed! ~ it was vegetarian shepherd pie. Gosh it was so delicious!

The discourse for tonight was on suffering, the 12 conditions and 5 aggregates. He also recited the words after prince Siddhartha enlightened.

During afternoon's meditation session somehow the Heart Sutra was popped up in my mind and I saw every single word was so clear to me as I observed my sensations. Every single word in this sutra is talking about the things I experienced. I was so excited and continue observed my sensations. I could see these five aggregates are also fallen into this stream of sensations which can be experience as anicca and anatta. Our body can be seen as this stream of sensations and from this stream of sensations, we see our body. My eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind meet see, hear, smell, taste, feel and thought also come to this streams of sensations. All things from this universe have the same stream of sensations. It has no beginning and no ending. It just flows on. If we could understand this simple stream of sensations and we are not attach to this non-material like of sensations then we can come out from our own miseries. No wonder why Guan-Yin and Buddha could maintain their Dharma joys because they understand this and not attach. I was over joy to discover the Heart Sutra is within us. I could not sleep that night. I was over joy.

Day 6
Day 6 was just an ordinary day. I thought I would be tired due to no sleep last night but it went away quickly with my total attention and awareness on my sensations. Today we had to observe our sensations from top to toes and from toes to top. I had no trouble with this at all.

We had peanut sauce with boiled-rice and mixed with boiled and baked vegetables. We had raw beetroot and carrots for salad.

Discourse was on craving, sankhara and the five enemies for a meditator. Today somehow I had this word sankhara in my mind through the day.

Day 7
Today we had to observe our body sensations not part by part of our body but move our attention simultaneously and symmetrically from top to toes and from toes to top. Today was the most unbearable one. My thoughts kept come in and go. I couldn't concentrate at all. I kept telling myself during my meditation that I was an observer, not a planner, stories teller, future predictor and history researcher. I should always observe instead of thinking the things had happened and not happen. I was irritable and restlessness. My left face's pain was so intensify. The teacher again asked all the new students on the equanimous. I told the teacher I had no problem with my equanimous but I had this pain on my left face and I did had few times during my meditation that my top body as light as feather and my bottom part was all numb. She asked me to come to see her at 12noon. I did and found the answers were the same as I had ~ all sensations are anicca and they will eventually go away. Oh well, I missed my after lunch nap and thought I might fell into sleep during the after lunch meditation session. I told myself I should meditate in my own room so that I could catch up with my nap but my other side of mind said: “No, today is day 7 and I haven’t got much time left. I have already wasted this morning. I could not afford to waste anymore.” I sat through the afternoon session without much complication. I was delighted.

Lunch time for today was baked-chickpeas slice with salad. We had carrot cakes for dessert. I wonder as the cook knew about chickpeas would produce lots of gas in the stomach. That afternoon people were farting and burping lots. I did the same thing but fortunately that I could express my gas silently into the sitting cushion unlike the girl behind me who made a long series of bubbling farting. Funny enough there were no body laugh! The boys at the other side of the hall also farted heavily.

Oh yes, I forgot to talk about the girl who sat behind me. During these 10 days retreat, whenever she stretched herself she kicked my bum. The assistance teacher observed that and asked our manager to tell her off. She was one ear in and another out. She also put on some sort of perfume that I nearly passed out. She was a sleep-talk person and she talked out loud at night during her sleep. My meditation word for today was anicca.

Tonight's discourse was on five friends for meditator. Don't ask me who are they because I only remembered the first one ~ faith.

Day 8
Today was alright. I was back to my 'normal' calm mind. We had been told that we had to sweep through our body sensations. It was hard to sweep through without a free flow. I didn't have free flow at all. This free flow must be the one Sumedha Bhante was talking about. He told me he had free flow like cool running water coming from the top of his head to his feet. Anyway I tried my best to do so as I told the assistant teacher.

Today's lunch was baked-spinach-macaronies with baked zucchinis.

My meditation word was equanimous. Tonight's discourse was on being awareness and equanimous; how to get rid of our old sankharas, cause and effect; and the conditions with our sankhara.

Day 9
Times went by quickly and today was the 9th day. Today I actually felt part of my body could have free flow of sensations. They travelled in a great velocity. Most of these free flow sensations liked the electric current ~ zap through the body. Funny though I didn't think they gave me the pleasant sensation but I didn't care. As long as I could sweep through my sensation I was happy. My left face still agony with great pain. Teacher Goenka said if any part of the body has this kind of solidity unpleasant sensations then we couldn't get a free flow through the whole body. That would be alright because I knew eventually my time would come if I continue practise. I didn't feel depress or negative feeling about I was a loser. Perhaps I had a mind of not looking for things during this retreat. Well I was pleased I did have part of free flow. The best things were I could observe both pleasant and unpleasant sensations at the same time which I should not grow myself into craving and aversion. I was a lucky one.

Tonight's discourse was on how to use vipassana in our daily life and the ten parami. Ha! This 10 parami which I could remember: Renunciation, sila, effort, tolerance, truthfulness, strong determination, wisdom, equanimity, selfless love and generosity. Tell you a secret I've got these from the booklet I've got at the end of the course. I didn't sleep well tonight because of the girl behind me spoke so loud in her dream again but I didn't wasted my time. I used it on my meditation. My meditation words for today were dukkha and anatta.

Day 10
Today we were going to close the noble silent thingy. We had been taught the metta meditation and didn't do much meditation as the previous 9 days. Wow you just couldn't believe once the noble silent had been taken off people started to chat vigorously. I didn't feel like talking but people approached me. They all interested in finding my experience. I told them I had no secret at all. They said I did well and called me super woman because I could sit through all my meditation sessions for these 10 days with my back straight and didn't change my posture. One of the girls from Darwin told me she only meditated 3 hours per day because these 3 hours were compulsory. She told me that she hitch-hiked her way from Darwin to Adelaide. She told me she had problem with her husband, etc. etc. which I had no interested. There were one kindergarten teacher and one primary school teacher. The kindergarten teacher had 3 children. She was coming from Italian background and was loaded with heavy catholic teaching. She loved the Dharma she had learnt from these 10 days and would like her kids to take some short course. The other teacher found Buddha's teaching was amazing and would like to pursuer further. I was so happy and willing to help them if they need help in the intellectual level. I could supply them web sites to read more on Buddhism. One India lady from Hindu background and found the Dharma was fascinating. They were all happy with the teachings and the philosophy in Buddhism. Some old students were trying to explain to the new students about the concepts. I heard lot of conversations about their stories and all of them were full of miseries. I felt pity for them and hope that from these 10 days they could get some happiness or know how to get out from miseries quicker than before. I just couldn't concentrated in the after lunch meditation with all these conversations in my head. I agreed with Goenka that chatting doesn't go well with meditation ~ silence is a must. In the evening I told myself: “Look, I have no time to do serious meditation at home if I don’t make use of the left hours in here.” I went straight into Samadhi and went through my one hour meditation before the discourse. The discourse was about how to practise Vipassana at home and the benefit of metta meditation. I didn't sleep well at all with a mosquito in my ears all the time. It was a hot night. I wore as little clothes as possible. I woke up at 2am and I couldn't do any meditation at all. My family’s faces came one by one into my mind liked a movie preview. I lost my equanimous.

We had pizza for lunch today.

Day 11
I woke up at 2am as I mention it before. I had a shower then packed my stuff. We had to listen to some chanting by teacher Goenka then followed his discourse. Each word he said was full of compassion. I wanted to give him my hug for appreciation. I wanted to offer a thunder egg for the assistant teacher to show her these 10 days I found my jewels but she refused to take it. Oh well I didn't persist. She told me if I had gratitude for her I should walk/follow the path. I thanked her and blessed her in my heart.

I had a wonderful breakfast today ~ Kheer and chai. I think I had developed not to be greedy. I didn't over eat myself out. It was delicious. I still would feel the smell and tasted in my teeth while I am typing this. Anyway I stayed back to help out to clean the meditation hall and other odd jobs. I left the place at around 8:30am. I was very nervous to drive my car and I drove with care ~ slowly. I let all cars passed me and I made home safely. I went to my parents’ place first to tell them I arrived home. I then went home after a quick chat. I got home and both of my kids ran to welcome me. My girl told me she had a merit for her year-12 specialist maths. I was delighted. I kissed them all and was jumping up and down with them to celebrate Sophia's merit. My Donut jumped and licked all over me for more than 20 minutes. I was so moved that they all missed me that much. I was tired but went out to have lunch with my family. I was hoping I could bake some vegetarian shepherd pie for them unfortunately we had no potatoes left in our pantry. I ended up with baked-spinach-macaronis. They were happy with their dinner. Tonight I didn't do any meditation at all. I know I am lazy but there were so many things to catch up with.